That’s not a war. This is a war!

BEIJING: The People’s Republic of China has wound back its hostile rhetoric over Australia’s decision to obtain nuclear-powered submarines under the new AUKUS pact, vowing not to engage in any war until Australia gets its full complement of the new vessels.

A Chinese Defence Department spokesperson said: “President Xi Jinping is not at all concerned – and he doesn’t believe his successors will be either in 50 years time – if the war between our two nations lingers into a second week. It’s no biggie.”

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SYDNEY: New daily COVID-19 figures to be released here later this morning are expected to show once again that millions of NSW citizens have avoided catching the coronavirus, due largely to underlying wealth conditions.

“The advantages of having excellent health care, top-shelf nutrition and socially distanced housing well away from the riff-raff crammed in the poorer parts of our major cities and towns is really paying dividends during this pandemic,” the state’s chief health officer is expected to announce.

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CANBERRA: The Office of Prime Minister and Cabinet has issued a correction to a statement made yesterday by Scott Morrison.

“The Prime Minister clearly meant to say that the acquisition of nuclear-powered submarines under the new AUKUS pact was clearly in the nation’s long-term strategic interests, not his own as stated,” a spokesperson said.

“In using the word ‘my’ instead of ‘the nation’s’ he simply misspoke. It’s no biggie.”