The world’s must uncanningly accurate soothsayer, Kisma Aryias, has taken a long, hard look into his crystal ball to share with us the events that will now unfold following yeserday’s announcement of the AUKUS pact!
So take it away, Kisma, who forecasts exclusively for The Bug!
16 Sept 2021: AUKUS pact announced between Australia, Great Britain and the United States that promises a fleet of locally built nuclear- powered submarines for Australia. (Editor’s note: see how accurate Kisma is so far!)
12 October 2024: France, still shimmering with angerment over having their own $90 billion sub-build contract with Australia ripped up, joins the pact on the condition that baguettes and croissants are served exclusively in the submarines’ galleys. Thus, FUKAUS is born.
9 January 2031. Australian Liberal Prime Minister Peta Credlin finally admits that under the FUKAUS pact, Australia will get six US designed, nuclear-powered submarines at a cost of $232 billion, with similar operating costs over the forward estimates. They will be at least 40 per cent built in Adelaide.
12 November 2036: Australian Liberal Prime Minister Vikki Campion is forced to admit that promises from previous governments that the submarines would be at least 40 per cent built locally was not entirely correct but when they did arrive fully built from Seattle, their periscopes would be fitted with Australian-made wiper blades*.
1 April 2042. The federal government apologises for a unexpected delay in the arrival of the first of Australia’s FUKAUS pact submarines. It should arrive before the decade’s end at a landed price of around $232 billion, with similar operating costs over the forward estimates.
24 May 2051: Australia’s first FUKAUS pact submarine (pictured) – one of the four subs obsolete to US Navy requirements and that Australia will now be getting – arrives on the eastern seaboard, after staying well clear of New Zealand. An emotional Australian Prime Minister Abbey Morrison names the vessel The Scott Morrison in memory of her father who had died only months earlier from incurable chronic mendacitis.
25 May 2051: After decades of very undiplomatic language, Communist China finally wakes up to the clear and present danger FUKAUS now presents and begins to dismantle all the naval ports and tourism meccas build over the last 40 years on the country’s Spratly Islands archipelago in the South China Sea. Tens of thousands of Australians cancel their OS holiday plans.
1 August 2062: The second and final FUKAUS pact nuclear submarine arrives in Australia and is renamed The Peter Dutton in memory of the Australian defence minister at the time of the launch of the original AUKUS pact but who sadly died back in 2034 from cranial melanoma, at a landed cost of $322 billion, with similar operating costs over the forward estimates.
2.40pm 2 August 2062: A humbled China, now fully aware of the power and intent of the FUKAUS pact, apologies profusely for past aggressive and entirely unwarranted expansionist moves around the world but especially in the Pacific region, and immediately steps up production of white flags for domestic use.
3.10pm 2 August 2062: Old habits die hard, however, with a People’s Republic of China spokesperson saying Australia needed to accept full blame for the tensions of the past half-century as China had only been able to build up such a military force and shower Pacific nations with so many trillions of belt-and-road dollars to snare their friendship and support because almost everything both inside and outside the typical Australian home had been, for the past half-century, almost entirely Made in China.
* Thank you, Coalition Tea Lady! @ItsBouquet