Arselicker rivavlry stuns judges

Judges of The Bug’s monthly Media Glass House Arse-Licker of the Month award have been amazed by the intensity and depth of the rivalry among contenders for the coveted gong for August.

“Towards each month’s end, we’ve usually been able to whittle the field down to a couple of clear frontrunners such as Simon Benson or Phillip Coorey,” a senior member of the judging panel moaned as she took a well-earned break and rubbed her weary eyes.

“But with just a few days left now, we’ve got so many of the nation’s respected politics journalists in contention.”

The catalyst for this, our judges concur, has been the rising hope among many in the fourth estate that Prime Minister Scott Morrison has finally found a winning theme for the next federal election to ensure the nation can count on being governed for three more years by the only side of politics that’s able to provide good, strong stable, economic management, that’s for sure.

The crème de la crème of the nation’s political scribes including all three Peter van Onselens have also been buoyed by the recent SMH poll showing Labor’s primary vote way down where it belongs.

Another of The Bug’s Arselicker Award judges told us: “Poor Scottie for the past 18 months has been flopping around like a toadfish on a jetty.

“He first went down the ‘we need to open up and live with this virus while we watch the Sharkies’ path and did no good.

“Seeing the electoral success of state premiers and territory leaders who put their people’s health before politics, Morrison then tried the Fortress Australia path but that bombed; the basic flaw being that the state and territory leaders he was trying to copy actually are reasonable, nice people with empathy.

“And for his troubles, he copped flak from colleagues who didn’t understand he really hadn’t moved away from open-up, live- and-let-die economics.

“After that failed to move the polls, he’s now cottoned onto the notion that Australians are finally heartily sick of lockdowns and he’s somehow got the states and territories on the back foot over how many jabs we need before when we can open up.

“And that, apparently, is what our balanced, fair, mainstream mediocre shitterati are really excited about.

“Take The Australian’s Simon Benson who clearly thinks the Father of the Nation has found his way to victory.

“Simon’s won the award before and my fellow judges and I don’t think the prime minister will need to buy Sorbent for quite a while now after Simon’s absolute ring-cleaner of a column last Saturday.”

The Bug undersands that giving Benson a run for his money for this month’s award is Dennis Shanahan with a “Morrison leaves Albanese in his dust” type story that will be rehashed relentlessly over the next six months by any number of journalists keen to keep their jobs.

And apparently we could quite possibly have an electronic media winner this month for the first time ever.

A third Arse-Licker award judge told us: “I challenge anyone who heard the Radio National interview between Fran Kelly and Phillip Coorey the other morning say they didn’t pick up the love those two have for Morrison flow over the airwaves.

“It was more about what you couldn’t hear coming out of the speakers.”

The judge said the covert conversation went more like this:

Fran: I think the Father of our Nation’s on a winner here getting stuck into the premiers over when we can end lockdowns, don’t you? The PM loves a good wedgie.

Phil: I think so, Fran. Let’s hope for Australia’s sake, hey? We can’t live in caves forever.

Fran: And every day now is a record for the vaccine rollout. Australia has never rolled out any other COVID-19 vacination program as fast as this one.

Phil: The PM’s breaking records every single day now, Fran. Surely he’s going to be rewarded for that when the time comes.

Audio experts hired by The Bug have detected underlying sounds which they suspect are from two people pissing their pants with joyous expectation of a second full Morrison term.