Nation on track for zero jobless rate

CANBERRA: The latest national unemployment figures released yesterday have buoyed Morrison government ministers’ hopes of re-election at next year’s federal poll.

The Bureau of Statistics released the seasonally adjusted labour force figures for July, showing the unemployment rate has dropped by 0.3 per cent to 4.6 per cent – the best for 13 years – and the participation rate has fallen to 66.0 per cent.

Employment minister Stuart Robert said the jobless rate was a “major fillip for both the nation and the Morrison government, showing once again how only the LNP was the side of politics that manages economies well.”

“The figures show us that if all jobless Australians stop looking for work over coming months, the nation’s unemployment rate will be cut to zero and that’s surely great news.”

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CANBERRA: Prime Minister Scott Morrison’s office has defended his decision to pause for up to a minute at times during all future media calls.

A PMO senior staffer told The Bug: “The Prime Minister is clearly proud of the job he is doing as Vaccine Man in rolling out the COVID-19 vaccination program at what is now clearly a record pace for Australia.

“And that’s why he’s decided there should be plenty of time for all Newscorp journalists, as well as Chris Uhlmann, Peter van Onselen and Phillip Corey and several others at the other Nine mastheads to break out into spontaneous and enthusiastic applause from time to time on behalf of a grateful nation over the amazing job he’s doing as Father of the Nation.”

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BRISBANE: Queensland Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk has backed down on plans to order police to shoot “on the spot” any essential workers who from tonight attempt to cross the NSW border without having proof of their first COVID-19 jab.

A government insider told The Bug: “It took the Premier’s closest advisers quite some time to convince her that she still has more than three years left in her current term so there was no need yet to play the ‘tough heartless bitch devoted to protecting the lives of her fellow Queenslanders’ card.

“Well, not just yet, any way.”