The miracle of an even playing field

TOKYO OLYMPIC HIGHLIGHTS:

Treasurer Josh Frydenberg has modestly played down his role in urging on his national teammate Scott Morrison to a podium finish in a race that showcased to the entire world the true spirit and purpose of Olympic competition.

Frydenberg selflessly gave up his own hopes of Olympic glory when he saw Morrison begin to wilt in his favoured event – miraculously winning close races.

He stayed just behind Morrison, shouting encouragement over the final stages of the race to prove once and for all what many people already know: Scott Morrison is the greatest Prime Minister Australia has ever had. A Father to a Grateful Nation. The Best Wartime Leader Australia Might Still Have.

Frydenberg told The Bug: “We all think of Scott as this amazingly focused and confident athlete who will always win the close ones.

“But I know for a fact his confidence has taken a bit of a hit of late after some bad polls.

“When I saw he was starting to wilt badly as the end of the race neared, I just shouted at him: ‘I know it’s not an even playing field right now but keep going, Scomo! Things will turn around. It gets much flatter.

“We’ll have that $500 million taxpayer-funded advertising blitz before the election is called to tell voters how good we’ve been. And will continue to be.

“Our massive pork-barrelling over the coming months will be far better disguised than in the past so it won’t come back to haunt us during our fourth term. You’ll sign off on everything and we’ll keep ministers in the dark.

“The May Budget will have all those little sweeteners that appeal to the basic greed of Australians, and no-one can appeal to that basic greed better than we can, no matter how much further into debt the document plunges the nation.”

Frydenberg told us: “At that stage I could see his legs already starting to pump harder and his fists clenched, his arms swinging with renewed energy and purpose so I just kept shouting encouragement.

“I told him the media would be right behind us again – well, even better than last time with the Heralds now lurching to the right. And the ABC more shit-scared than ever.

“And I shouted: ‘Palmer’s cashed up again so he’s likely to come to our rescue with another mammoth anti-Labor advertising blitz based on even better porkies than we can come up with’.

“He then started to power away from me and I realised we were then in with a red-hot, top-shelf, gold-standard chance of victory.

“Give us a level playing field and ScoMo and the LNP will always win the close ones,” Frydenberg concluded. “We always do.”