Taking it to the streets

The Bug’s internationally acclaimed sexologist has been quiet of late after being stuck for most of the past year in a small and remote village more than 1,000 kms north-west of Rio de Janeiro where he has been fighting a silly charge of inappropriate public behaviour.

It all arose, he says, because police mistook his field research into the origins of the Brazilian for illegal upskirting.

He has finally been released after making a substantial donation to the local policemen’s ball, has made contact and is now able to catch up on some of the backlog of questions in his mail bag.

Dear Doctor Dick
For many years I have hidden my true preference for having sex only with people who are rough sleepers. I won’t have sex with anyone unless they are a vagrant, homeless, or otherwise living on the streets. I can’t stand keeping this secret to myself any longer and want to let my friends and family know the truth about me. But I am very nervous and would like some advice on how I might come out to them all as a hobosexual?

JK
Bathurst

Doctor Dick replies:

The housing affordability crisis is a very serious issue, especially for younger people who at the present time have no realistic hope of ever securing home ownership. So I forecast that in just a few short years your predilection will become mainstream so there will be no need for you to explain it to anyone.

***

Dear Doctor Dick
This isn’t so much a question seeking advice as a message to any of your readers who describe themselves as “pansexual”. I too am pansexual and would really like to find others who share my own preferences. If any of your readers do wish to meet up for some pansexual activities I can usually be found around lunchtime each day in the kitchenware department of the Myer store at Chermside. BYO wipes and detergent for cleaning up afterwards.

Name withheld
Aspley, Brisbane

Doctor Dick replies:

Thank you for reaching out to others, especially in these uncertain and challenging times. Can I suggest to anyone who wishes to take up your invitation that you all observe the usual rules around safe sex and social distancing.

***

Dear Doctor Dick
Recently I read a story about people who call themselves “demisexuals”. Apparently demisexuals are people who don’t engage in sexual relations with anyone unless they have a strong emotional bond with them. As a bloke with, shall we say, a colourful personal history I can honestly say I have never come across a demisexual?

Ken
Geelong

Doctor Dick replies:

I can fully understand that.

***

Dear Doctor Dick
The last letter prompted me to also ask about demisexuals. You see I’ve “had a thing” for Hollywood actor Demi Moore ever since she appeared topless in only body paint on the cover of Vanity Fair in 1991 and I’ve always referred to myself as a Demisexual. I think people need to make clear if they are discussing demisexuals or Demisexuals so nobody gets confused.

B Willis
Perth

Doctor Dick replies:

A capital idea.

***

Dear Doctor Dick
After reading those last two letters I wonder if a “D” for demisexuals should be included in the expression LGBTIQ+ which is meant to encompass those who are not heterosexual. Perhaps we should start using LGBTIQAD+? Of course, by that I mean we should use just the LGBTIQAD+ bit, not the question mark. Even better, we might start putting the component parts of the expression into alphabetical order so we don’t give priority to the L, G, and B elements. So maybe we should start using the expression ABDGILQT+? Again, without the question mark.

W Wonker
Melbourne

Doctor Dick replies:

I really like your initial idea.

***

Dear Doctor Dick

Could we make that ABdGILQT+?

B Willis
Perth

Doctor Dick replies:

Oh fuck off.