Simon had rivals licked from get-go!

And the envelope please. The winner of the July 2021 coveted The Bug Media Glass House Arse-Licker of the Month non-perpetual trophy is … (sounds of envelope being ripped open) … political editor … (pause to build tension) ... for The Australian ….. SIMON BENSON!

Can we be frank? Simon had the award in his keeping back in the middle of the month with his heartfelt plea – nay, may we say absolute, clearly expressed, need for the nation’s sake and its ongoing prosperity – for Prime Minister Scott Morrison to lift his game and defeat the forces of evil momentarily getting the better of the Father of our Nation.

Can we be even franker here? The Bug‘s judges didn’t even feel the need to read the article. On the strength of the standfirst to his article alone, Simon won hands and knees down with his tongue working overtime to ensure Morrison and Rupert Murdoch wouldn’t be needing to restock on Wondersoft any time soon.

Besides, do we look that fucking stupid (don’t answer that until we finish!) to actually pay to read anything in the nation’s worst and only broadshit?

Oh, but that standfirst! The PM “must regain the initiative”. “…brutal ALP tactics”. “…a cordinated and unbridled campaign”.

Unbridled! Uncontrolled; unconstrained.

Those fucking vicious attacks by state and federal Labor! Well, we never!

Just a few wise words of advice to, and a brief history for, Simon Benson. That prime minister you appear totally besotted by and are so clearly distressed by his current predicament was the third in a row of three Liberal PMs who engaged in a six-year campaign of the most vicious personal attacks on Bill Shorten that we at The Bug have ever observed.

And all on the back of a $60 million ($90 million, anyone?) taxpayer-funded royal commission witchhunt with no other purpose than to besmirch Shorten’s character. They found not one sniff of any criminal behaviour.

How do you think, Simon, your hero PM would have fared if a similar RC had shoved its well-lit probe up his lardarse sphincter and dissected his previous work stints in the tourism sector?

Hardly a Question Time went by over two terms of government from 2013 without a torrent of unfounded abuse at the “brown-nosing, sycophantic, worker-abusing, dying-to-have-his-legs-under-the- tables-of-billionaires, lying snake in the grass slivering towards the Lodge” across the despatch box.

All with the rabid support of Newscorpse shitsheets such as the Oz.

Did you, Simon, have a perpetual horn during that entire process? Our best bet is that you were at the very least grappling constantly to hide a sizeable chubby.

And now we come to the current state of affairs, and we can almost hear you rubbing your hands in despair as Labor scores points against Morrison. Oh, the poor diddums!

Is the nordy widdle Labor Party saying the PM has failed in the two tasks he had before him: the vaccine rollout and dedicated quarantine facilities?

Matters of fact aside, how dare they? We said love; we said pet…

Or did your article rail against perhaps some more personal barbs from Labor?

Well, good fucking luck to Labor if they are. It’s about time.

Morrison is flip-flopping on his mixed messaging, is performing poorly at media calls that are dripping with his hypocrisy and incompetency and the polls are calling him out on all of that.

It’s a situation any competent journalist with a reasonable and balanced appreciation of politics could observe clinically and clearly and place responsibility for Morrison’s current woes firmly where it belongs … at the feet of your hero.

Don Gordon-Brown