A final month of wintery discontent

Spring has still not sprung but the days are warming up and you’re asking yourselves: is it time to pop on a mask and venture outside? And if you do, will you return safely?

Well, the obvious answer to both is YES! especially if you follow the advice of someone who is arguably the world’s best-ever starsignest.

For more than 30 years, his brilliant advice has never killed anybody intentionally.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

After subjecting your school-age children to months and months of extra study in preparation for their NAPLAN tests, you are not surprised when they express real concern about failing the 10 August Census.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

You are not at all surprised to read the results of a study that shows the deep-cleaning of places where COVID-19 has been detected – shopping centres, train carriages, restaurant seating areas and the like – is really only effective when media crews are reporting on and filming the cleaners at work.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

Doctors are hopeful you’ll make a full recovery after your vehicle veers off the road and hits a guardrail after you suffer a prolonged laughing fit on hearing Scott Morrison say on the car radio that he had not only always supported lockdowns but the Victorian model was the one to emulate.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

You begin to question the wisdom of becoming engaged when attending a barbecue at the home of your prospective in-laws and your potential father-in-law says he could eat a horse, and does.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

Your new Free the Vagina campaign aimed at building on the Free the Nipple movement initially attracts hundreds of young female followers, but then supporters drift off once they discover you are a 64-year-old male.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

You suspect it’s getting very hard now to tell when NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian is telling a fresh lie because it seems almost impossible that her nose could get any larger.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

Asked by your elderly and frail mother-in-law if you are proud of how the Australians are performing at the Olympics, you send her into a quite-severe shock by shouting: “Fuck, yeah!” and pumping your fist over and over again.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

While not normally a religious type, you pray to high heaven that your three kids will buy your story that the Brisbane Ekka has again been cancelled due to COVID-19 and you can spend the $1500 on a set of golf clubs instead.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

You feel quite pleased with yourself when you win first prize in your local annual Zombie Walk, not just because it helps raise money for local charities but because you had stumbled across it while out exercising and weren’t wearing any make up or facial prosthetics.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

You suddenly realise that you haven’t heard a single screech from Michaela Cash since becoming the nation’s Attorney-General and consider that to be a very good thing indeed.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

You run your mind’s eye through the mind-numbingly large number of reality TV shows on Channel 9 nowadays and wonder why the hell do they bother transmitting at all for there can be absolutely no pride left whatsoever in their week-by-week schedule of programs.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

It’s funny, but the last star I write each month is always the least interesting.