Going for more gold in 2032


Australia is set to reap a swag of gold medals at the 2032 Brisbane Olympics if moves to add new sports to the Games’ program succeed.

Sources within the Australian Olympic Committee said a precedent had already been set with several new sports added to the list of official Olympic events for the Tokyo Games now under way.

“In Tokyo there will be gold medals up for grabs in four new sports – karate, skateboarding, sport climbing and surfing,” an AOC official said on condition of anonymity.

“So we’ll be pressing the International Olympic Committee to include new sports for 2032.

“We’re basing our arguments on the need to continually refresh the range of official Olympic sports to maintain public and sponsor interest.

“But, on the quiet, we’ll be pushing for sports that might just give our Aussie sports stars an edge.”

The official said sports the AOC wanted to promote to the IOC for inclusion in the 2032 event included Aussie rules football, right-wing punditry, casual racism, and penis puppetry.

“AFL is a gimee for gold for Australia if we get it on the events list, especially given it now has strong home teams in both men and women’s comps,” the source said.

“The Americans, who have had decades of cumulative experience with Fox News and the like would go into the right-wing punditry event as favourites, but if we could field a team consisting of Alan Jones, Andrew Bolt, and Paul Murray – oh hell, just the entire Sky ‘after dark’ crew – we’re certain to give the Yanks a run for their money.

“We reckon Peta Credlin could single-handedly bring home gold for us in the women’s race.

“Speaking of race, we are confident we can hold our own if we have the chance to field men’s and women’s teams in the casual racism event, although before and since Brexit the Brits have shown tremendous improvement and are likely to be our biggest threat.

“And speaking of holding our own, the art of genital origami is an Australian invention which we believe would be a shoo-in for the gold if we can get penis puppetry on the agenda. (main picture)

“Unfortunately our women’s team might struggle to make the podium,” the source said.