Defence cops Dutton dressing down


CANBERRA: A furious Defence Minister Peter Dutton has berated his defence personnel for wasting time with “woke nonsense” and has demanded they focus on the job at hand: provoking a war with China.

The Bug understands that Admiral of the Fleet, Army Field Marshall and Air Marshall Peter Dutton was shocked when he heard late last week that military leaders had issued a note that encouraged serving military personnel and Defence Department civilian staffers to hold morning teas while wearing rainbow clothing to mark the International Day Against Homophobia, Biphobia, Interphobia and Transphobia.

“I’ve ordered Defence Force Chief Angus Campbell and [department] Secretary Greg Moriarty to issue a note ending events with ‘particular clothes in celebration’, ” the nation’s military commander-in-chief said.

“I’ve been very clear to those chiefs that I will not tolerate discrimination.

“But we are primarily in the business of killing gooks, slant-eyes and Commies and we will not be distracted from that essential task of protecting this nation’s soverignty and securing its borders.

“We will not be pursuing a woke agenda even if it’s something as worthy as HIDEAHOBBIT (sic).

“Our task is to build up the morale in the Australian Defence Force and these woke agendas trying to protect hobbits from the Orcs don’t help.”

General-Marshall Dutton asked a gathering of Defence Department public sector civilian workers in Canberra on Friday: “How long do you think we are going to last in the looming war against China if those commie leaders knew we liked to dress up in poofy clothes and wear meaningless pins and other parapenalia on our chests?”

When someone up the back shouted: “Probably about the same time either way; about a day and a half should see us running up the white flag,” a furious commander in chief ordered that she “drop and give me a hundred” before she could join all the others in the vast auditorium by grabbing a heavy field pack and running around Lake Burley Griffin ‘ten times at the double’.

“Let’s see if that’ll leave you all woke up to a slice of reality,” General-Marshall Dutton said before turning to the 12 Australian flags to his rear, executing a perfect salute and marching proudly from the room, singing It’s a Long Way to Tipperary as he did so.