Slater facing lifetime ban from cricket

SPORT:

Former cricket great Michael Slater has tested positive in India and now faces a quarantine period from the sport he loves that is expected to last his lifetime.

“It’s not looking good for Michael right now,” a source at the Australian Cricketers Association, the body that represents past and present players, told The Bug overnight.

“His first test has definitely come back showing quite significant traces of blatant left-wing tendencies.

“This, of course, has come as a complete shock to all of us here at the ACA who love and admire Slats.”

The Bug understands the tests were ordered by Cricket Australia after Slater posted social media tweets critical of Prime Minister Scott Morrison’s ban on Australians returning home from India.

“His claim that the PM had ‘blood on his hands’ and then goading the Father of our Nation to hop on his ‘private’ jet and see the dead bodies in Indian streets were totally disgraceful and completely out of order,” a Cricket Australia source told us.

“We’ve asked Michael bluntly and to his face whether he supports the Australian Labor Party or is indeed an ALP member and he has refused to answer those very relevant questions.”

Another ACA source explained: “Historically, Australian Test cricketers have always been dreadful Tory arseholes.

“Nothing was ever said but it was just accepted that would be the case as cricket is not a poor person’s sport and the elite private schools and colleges had always been the breeding ground for the sport’s up-and-comers.

“Can you name an elite private school in Woodridge on Brisbane’s outskirts or Toongabbie in Sydney? Of course you can’t.”

But in the 1980s, the sport was rocked to its core when the Waugh Brothers – Steve and Mark – slipped through the net, forcing the Australian Cricket Board of Control as it was then known to introduce an extensive questionnaire that emerging players had to get 100 per cent right before they could pad up for their states.

The multiple-choice questions covered the life, times and achievements of successful Liberal Prime Ministers from Robert Menzies, Harold Holt, not so much Billy McMahon, Malcolm Fraser and, of course, the Man of Steel, John Howard.

Players also had to give a 15-minute address on how awful the Whitlam years between 1972 an 1975 had been “to the very fabric of decent Australian life”.

In recent years, Australian cricketers who long for international glory in either the long or short forms of the game have also been expected to keep a current Liberal Party of Australia membership card in their wallets at all times and a colour photo of Scott Morrison in the left pocket of their playing shirts close to their hearts.