Rapture coordinates, date revealed!

WORLD EXCLUSIVE:

Get ready, people. It’s closer than you think!

The end of times, that is. And The Bug today can reveal that not only is The Rapture nigh upon us but we have the exact co-ordinates of where Jesus Christ our Lord and Master will beam aloft those blessed born-again Christians who have selflessly and assuredly put their very souls in His Hands and made and spent a bob in the process.

And as befitting this special Easter long weekend, we’ll announce on Easter Monday the exact timing of The Rapture that will allow the chosen ones to rise again and enjoy everlasting life in His glorious care.

The Rapture pick-up co-ordinates and the exact time were accidentally revealed when a night cleaner overheard Hillsong Church Australia founder and head pastor Brian Houston talking in tongues with Jesus Christ, his Lord and Master, late on Good Friday. The cleaner used his phone to video the conversation and when it fell into The Bug‘s hands, we quickly found an interpreter who translated the chat for us.

In it, Pastor Houston asks Jesus if He still suffers from phantom wrist and foot pains at this time of year. Later on, the pastor begs his Maker to disclose both the place and time when born-again true believers would be carried aloft. “I could make a killing with that information!” the pastor is heard saying.

But before we release those co-ordinates, first a warning. For most Australians, it is far too late to even think about climbing aboard the Paradise Express.

As Pastor Houston (pictured at top) explained to The Bug earlier this morning before the first of the day’s 16 church services/concerts and Dutch auctions: “When the time comes, even many, many Pentecostals will not be saved by Jesus Christ, our Lord and Master.

“The grim reality is that no matter how much devotion to our Father they’ve shown by attending our church, He alone with our church accountants will know how much they’ve donated over time to our essential work in Christian community outreach and how much merchandise they’ve purchased such as our excellent range of CDs of gospel music by our excellent choirs, beautifully bound books on achieving eternal love, hope and faith or indeed my most inspirational sermons.

“Jesus Christ as our all-knowing and all-seeing Master will know exactly who the Scotty Come Latelies are and I can tell you here and now theirs will be the road to perdition as they will be cast back into the fiery, sulphurous lake that will soon engulf this sinful world of ours.

“And of course poor people shouldn’t even bother making the trip to the pick-up point. They clearly have shown no love for our Lord at all by not embracing our prosperity doctine to any meaningful level whatsoever.

“And Jesus won’t be falling for any lame excuses that a lack of good schooling or even intelligence or business acumen held them back. Some very stupid people incapable of holding down a job have proved how much they love their Lord Almighty by becoming very, very rich.”

So here are the Rapture co-ordinates…

STOP PRESS: The Bug has just been served a High Court of Australia injunction preventing the public release of that information. Sought by state and federal police authorities, the injunction claims that the nation’s highways and byways are already stretched to the limit over the Easter long weekend and releasing the Rapture co-ordinates would make all roads heavily congested and far too dangerous.

The Bug naturally enough will obey that directive as we would hate to see a single Australian die before their time is due, let alone a married one. But it’s bloody soon, we can tell you that! And for most Australians, it’s not going to be pretty, especially for those who can’t stand the heat or who are allergic to acid.