Hopping into April

The Bug’s internationally acclaimed soothsayer is no April fool when it comes to predicting what’s in store for the coming month.

With a third of the year now behind us – my goodness, hasn’t that flown! – Kisma Aryias gives us all the confidence to step out for the next 30 days, knowing we will survive until at least May. Well, most of us anyway.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

Luckily you reside in a rural area of Queensland – a state where rabbits are an officially declared pest species – so you again save heaps of money this year by shooting one in front of your kids to help explain the usual absence of Easter eggs.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

You are still shaking your head after the ALP’s national conference is stupid enough to announce a policy for the 2022 election, prompting Tim Wilson to begin an expensive, taxpayer-funded, parliamentary committee road trip of nation-wide public meetings to debunk such policy through monstrous distortions of it and garner Liberal Party memberships and donations all the while.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

You initiate a national fundraising campaign to raise money for what you regard as an urgent need to buy chairs for ABC TV and SBS newsreaders.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

You are still recovering from shock after you seek an answer from Google on how to resolve a problem with your computer’s operating program, follow all the steps it suggests and not only does each step make sense and the buttons it asks you to press not only exist but are visible on screen an it actually fixes the problem!

LEO – July 23 – August 22

In the spirit of Easter you christen your penis Jesus because, at your age after having sex, he doesn’t rise again for three days.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

You are not at all surprised when Channel 9’s Sydney news runs a 15-second clip of Prime Minister Scott Morrison during a segment on the Royal Easter Show even though he wasn’t there and had said nothing about the event.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

You wonder how you’re going to cope for the few weeks after Easter Monday when you won’t be able to buy hot-cross buns at your local supermarket.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

You can’t believe your ears when newly appointed Home Affairs Minister Karen Andrews declares “enough is enough” and orders the release on humanitarian grounds of the Biloela family of four from their Christmas Island detention. You wish her well on the backbench and you naturally hope she finds suitable employment when she is disendorsed from her Gold Coast seat well before the next federal election

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

You try very hard to change his mind but your boss still sacks you for sleeping on the job even though you argue you were an innocent victim of uncontrollable 10-second micro-sleeps – in fact six of them every minute for up to eight hours at a time.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

You watch the new season of Anh’s Brush With Fame on the ABC with the hope that some fading celebrity is finally going to exclaim when the portrait is finally turned around: “Who the fuck is that supposed to be?”

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

You start to wonder whether Australian states in years to come will announce a “three-day open- up” over COVID-19.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

You watch the ABC nightly news talk about Scott Morrison’s new-look ministry and then think quietly to yourself that there’s no-one there that looks particularly new.