A faux apology from a faux politician

BRISBANE: Member for Bowman Andrew Laming has been to his local GP to have limp lettuce marks treated with both a healing salve and bandaging after he was called in by Prime Minister Scott Morrison to explain trolling and stalking claims.

The long-serving MP later apologised in the House although he had no idea what he was saying sorry for but thought it was the right thing to do “in this climate”.

Mr Morrison said his severe “dressing down” and Laming’s apology for this disgusting behaviour had “brought this matter to an end”

“It’s important the women of Australia know I have their backs,” the PM said between tears.

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SYDNEY: Nine Entertainment chairman Peter Costello is being treated in a private hospital here for shock after some cruel prankster dodgied up a Harvey Norman letterhead and sent him a letter purporting to be from Gerry Harvey and advising the retail giant was cancelling immediately and for ever all advertising with The Sydney Morning Herald and the Sun Herald.

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BYRON BAY: Local cops here have arrested and fined a man for wearing a helmet while riding his bicycle in the popular coastal tourist town.

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HOBART: Tasmanian Premier Peter Gutwein has acted swiftly to boost his government’s re-election chances.

Government sources said immediately after fronting a news conference to announce a snap election on 1 May, Mr Gutewin returned to his office and made contact with the offices of Prime Minister Scott Morrison and NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian.

“The Premier pleaded with both of them to start bagging his COVID-19 border closures as soon as possible and as often as possible right up to May 1,” the source said.