2032 BRISBANE OLYMPICS:
The blood sport of cane toad killing will make its debut at the 2032 Brisbane Games, The Bug can reveal exclusively.
“It’s going to be an absolute crowdpleaser and a real hit with the kiddies,” Australian Olympic Committee member Fred Fowler said on the condition of anonymity.
“Sure, Australian competitors will have a home-games advantage but isn’t that often the case when the hosting city selects a few additional sports they’re good at?”
The Bug can reveal that the sport will be conducted as a triathlon event and a truly track-and-field exercise on the main oval at what’s left of the famous Ekka showgrounds in Fortitude Valley in groups of six countries all vying to advance to later rounds and the medal playoff championship decider.
“Before each round begins, literally countless numbers of Bufo marinus will be released on the arena.
“It’s a summer games so we should be able to air-freight in tonnes of adult canetoads from the tropical north,” Mr Fowler explained.
“Each contest will have three aspects: a Le Mans-style start where competitors will race towards identical speedcars based on Blair Shepherd’s black No99 speedster made famous at the Ekka speedway in the late 50s and 60s to then skittle as many canetoads as possible on the dirt racetrack that surrounds the main oval in a frenzied 20 minutes of massacre mayhem.
“And they’ll have to push-start themselves which should be very funny.
“A bell will then sound for the two field stages of the sport, where the athletes will abandon their cars and line up by the main gates under the announcer’s booth for a 80-metre sprint cross the oval to six golf clubs buried in sand near the Ernest Baynes stand.
“It’ll be just like a flag race at a surf carnival, but with an eye of course on grabbing the No1 wood on offer. The competition is going to be fierce by this stage that’s called cane-toad golf so who would want to be left with the putter?
“Using the driver would be a distinct advantage for the next 10 minutes of action, where the athletes then dispatch as many canetoads as possible.
“Competitors will gain an extra point for every cane toad that clears the railing fence around the arena and six points if the dispatched toad clears Machinery Hill.
“In the final 10 minute stage of the triathalon, the athletes will grab a garden pitch fork and skewer as many of the remaining creatures as they can.
“Hopefully a lot of them will be mating by then – the toads I mean – and competitors should be able to pick up two points with just one frenzied thrust of the garden fork.
“Is there a single Queensland kid who doesn’t have fond memories of doing that to the disgusting little fuckers?”
The AOC member said the committee had also considered having a sidecar category but “we thought that was taking things a bit too far”.