Inquiries clear PM of any wrongdoing

PARLIAMENT HOUSE RAPE SCANDAL:

A series of high-powered inquiries has cleared Scott Morrison and the Prime Minister’s Office of any crime or misdemeanor over the handling of a rape allegation inside Parliament House in March 2019.

Probably of greatest relief for the PM are the findings of his department head Phil Gaetjens who was charged last week with investigating who knew what in the PM’s office, and when.

In a media statement this morning, Mr Gaetjens (pictured at top) said: “I have now not completed the full list of witnesses I will not be calling before me because I’m reasonably confident nothing they would have not told me would have disclosed any wrongdoing by the PM and my … I mean his … department.”

Mr Gaetjens’ non-findings of his non-investigation match those of the Australian Federal Police who have now closed their own non-investigation into whether any laws were broken in the aftermath of the alleged rape.

An AFP spokesperson said this morning: “We have now not completed the full list of witnesses we will not be calling because we are reasonably confident nothing they wouldn’t have told our experienced investigators would have disclosed any wrongdoing by the PM and his department.”

The first inquiry announced by Mr Morrison into the scandal has also completed its work.

That inquiry didn’t look into workplace culture within the Coalition and inquiry head WA Liberal MP Celia Hammond said in a statement this morning: “I have now not completed the full list of witnesses I will not be calling before me because I’m reasonably confident nothing they would have not told me would have disclosed any systemic or ingrained poor workplace culture within the ruling LNP coalition which is more than I can say about Bill “Octopus” Shorten and his disgraceful behaviour that Senators Michaela Cash and Pauline Hanson once mentioned in the lead-up to the last federal election.”

Ms Hammond, the member for Curtain, added it would be an honour to serve in the federal ministry “at whatever level the Prime Minister believes would match my talents”.

Other inquiries to have just completed their non-investigations include …. ah, fuck it, surely you’ve got the general gist of this story by now.