Health alert over Kiwi COVID strain

BRISBANE: Health authorities here have identified a frightening new strain of COVID-19 just as infectious as the UK and South African variants but with other debilitating symptoms.

The “Kiwi” variant is believed to have evolved in New Zealand’s business hub of Auckland and was unwittingly brought to Australia by a Brisbane businessman while a recent travel bubble was in place.

Symptoms of the Kiwi variant include sweating, headaches, a loss of taste and the inability to talk normally.

“After some four days of being infected with this Kiwi variant, hardly any vowel a victim utters comes out properly,” a Queensland Health Department spokesperson said.

The businessman, speaking to The Bug on the condition of anonymity, said: “I’m suck to duth of thus. I sumply want to git butter. Shut!”

Are changes being flagged?

SYDNEY: A majority of Australian school children now believe the Liberal Party’s federal logo is the Australian flag, a study has shown.

“They see it all the time on federal government notices and advertising and the like so it’s a natural assumption for these kids to make, I guess,” said a spokesperson for Where Are We Heading, Australia?, a not-for-profit group who polled some 2400 pupils from both the state and private education sectors for the study.

It found 54 per cent of the kids pointed to the Liberal logo (at top left) while 41 per cent correctly identified the current national flag.

A further 9 per cent – mainly kids from regional and country Australia – thought the National Party of Australia’s branding image (right) was the flag, while the rest were undecided.

Australians for a Constitutional Monarchy head Professor David Flint said he had no problem with the Liberal logo becoming the Australian flag but added: “I would like to see the Union Jack far more prominent”, unfortunately wetting himself rather badly as he uttered the words Union Jack.