Lord Downer sets the record straight


Lord Downer has used a live national television appearance to make pronouncements that should lay to rest frivolous claims about racist behaviour in Australian sport.

This morning His Lordship spoke at reporters he had instructed to assemble overnight outside his family estate Pout House in the Adelaide Hills.

There they awaited his arrival from “Sydney’s” (believed to be the estate of a close personal friend who lives close to Lord Downer’s own lands) after a non-stop trip by sedan chair carried by four highly muscled and barechested young footmen wearing only sheer and sweat-soaked muslin jodhpurs that, as His Lordship himself observed in an unguarded aside, clung temptingly to their swollen thighs and emphasised other “well-defined, nay bulging” parts of their lower bodies.

After alighting from his sedan chair and instructing Pout House staff to water his chair carriers, Lord Downer explained his participation in last evening’s ABC TV program Q&A.

He said he had agonised over his decision before agreeing to appear on the program.

“As you well know, I am a nobleman and clearly superior to all of you riff raff,” he said while instructing a Pout House under-butler standing at his side to point at reporters to indicate the subject of his remarks.

“So too am I vastly superior to the gaggle of leary coves and joskins who also took part in last evening’s program.

“But I decided that, because I happened to be in Sydney yesterday, I would take part in the program.

“But, heaven forfend, I did not and would never agree to lower myself to appear next to any of the bumble-brothed needy-mizzlers who made up the rest of the panel.

“Therefore, as observers of the program would know, I appeared via a television screen from a remote yet nearby location which still allowed me to give our nation the benefit of my views and undoubted wisdom.” (main picture)

His Lordship said he was pleased to pronounce on last night’s Q&A that racism in football did not occur very often.

“I trust my definitive view based on my ‘lived experience’ as people say these days, will settle this silly argument now and forever,” he said after re-entering his sedan chair, refusing to answer questions from reporters, and instructing his footmen to convey him the few yards to Pout House’s front door.