ABC tackles bias claims

A sure sign that the new year is well and truly starting to slip away is the return of some of our favourite TV shows to the small, and increasingly irrelevant, screen. Our world-leading soothsayer KISMA ARYIAS takes a look ahead at what will happen in February and the rest of the 91.5% of the year remaining.

AQUARIUSJanuary 20 – February 18

You are interested to learn that while ABC TV has shifted its Q&A program from Mondays to Thursday nights and at an earlier time spot, it will make a concerted effort to address alleged political and gender bias among panellists by inviting random female members of the community to lead discussion on its first edition for 2021, including Erica Betz, Alana Jones, host That New Guy Who’s Not Tony Jones, Toni Abbott, and Geraldine Henderson (main picture from left).

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

You are looking forward to the new-season panel show starting on Channel 10 soon – Who Would Lie to You Most? – which sounds a real cracker and stars the Morrison ministry.

ARIESMarch 21 – April 19

You are not surprised to hear the Australian Taxation Office is investigating SMH political and international editor Peter Hartcher for not disclosing a substantial second salary as the LNP’s federal public relations officer.

TAURUSApril 20 – May 20

You start to wonder whether Channel 9’s financial woes are true when you see a promo for the 2021 season of Who Wants Be a $10 Scratchie Winner?

GEMINIMay 21 – June 20

You fondly remember the old days when you could tell that the television silly season had ended and the proper 2021 season of programs had begun.

CANCERJune 21 – July 22

You find it hard to believe when Channel 9 boasts that the new season of Married at First Sight includes one girl without ugly, puffed-up lips and who comes across as moderately intelligent and personable and who you actually wouldn’t mind giving one.

LEOJuly 23 – August 22

Inspired by Kerry O’Brien’s move to reject his Order of Australia to protest the elevation of former tennis champ Margaret Court to the highest rank in the honours system, you contact your primary school to return the 25-yard swimmer’s certificate you received in 1965 because you’re pretty sure that among your year some wanna-be bible-bashing homophobe who thinks talking in tongues is real and that you can blow over people using the power of the Lord Jesus Christ would have received one too.

VIRGOAugust 23 – September 22

You finally realise an early federal election is certain this year when Scott Morrison attends his first Question Time of the year proudly carrying and frequently kissing a King James bible.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

Knowing that after their appearances at President Joe Biden’s inauguration both the stepdaughter of the new Vice-President and the US youth poet laureate were recruited by modelling agencies, you are not surprised to read that Senator Bernie Sanders has also struck a modelling deal – for adult diapers.  

SCORPIOOctober 23 – November 21

After ABC TV changes the name of its second digital from ABC Comedy to ABC Plus you write to the corporation’s chair Ita Buttrose suggesting that it’s not too late to again rename it ABC Repeats in the interest of accuracy.

SAGITTARIUSNovember 22 – December 21

You admire Sam Stouser’s announcement overnight that she plans to leave Melbourne immediately to save time weeks ahead of the first round of the Australian Open Tennis.

CAPRICORNDecember 22 – January 19

You wonder how Anthony Albanese, constantly described in the media as a decent and kind and honourable person, could dip into negative approval territory in the latest Newspoll but then snap out of it and realise that Australian voters have always preferred their leaders to be absolute arrogant, self-centred and pompous pricks.