With the Old Year fast running out, we find a sleep-deprived Kisma Aryias still fondling his crystal balls and trying to work out what lies ahead in 2021 for two more lucky star signists.
In this issue, the world’s most famous and by far the most accurate astrologer … EVER! … Kisma looks at what dangers lurk ahead for those unlucky enough to have been born under the signs of Virgo and Libra.
Aug 23 – Sept 22
January 15: After a number of family and friends comment on your recent absentmindedness and occasional befuddled state, you start to wonder if maybe it’s true your brian is starting to play tricks on you.
January 17: After a number of family and friends comment on your recent absentmindedness and occasional befuddled state, you start to wonder if maybe it’s true your brian is starting to play tricks on you.
January 19: After a number of family and friends comment on your recent absentmindedness and befuddlement, you start to wonder ….. oh, for goodness sake, give it a break. It wasn’t all that good to start with!
February 11: You watch the “In memorium” section of the Oscars and suddenly realise that’s why you haven’t heard of Katherine Heigl much of late.
February 14: You commence divorce proceedings after your wife gives you a penis enlargement vacuum tube and pump as a Valentine’s Day present.
March 29: A virgin? Yeah, right!
April 1: You are not for fooling on this special day when you hear Alan Jones on his SkyNews program say he has never, ever, been to London let alone to one of its public lavatories.
July 25: Being a patriotic sort of person, your heart bursts with pride when you hear that an Australian lad has won gold at the delayed 2020 Tokyo Olympics, blitzing the field by a long way in the brand new Olympic sport of pocket billiards. (main picture)
July 24: You never thought it possible but you feel a bit sorry for Vikki Campion when you hear that former Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce has left her for that Uralla barmaid who always gave him free rumbos and cokes when he stayed there on drought envoy duties and with whom he is now expecting triplets.
August 21: Plagued by chronic insomnia, you plead with your local GP for some form of relief and he gives you a USB stick holding dozens of golfer Adam Scott’s post-match media interviews.
September 12: Bad luck if you think this day is somehow going to be better than the one before or the one after.
November 5: Being old enough to remember Guy Fawkes Night in Australia, you are swamped with nostalgia and absent-mindedly use the stub of your right hand to wipe away a tear.
December 17: You are at first delighted with the news that the federal government has passed legislation that free-to-air television stations must severely limited the hours given to “reality TV shows” from the start of 2022 but then change your attitude quickly when Channel 9, Channel 7 and Channel 10 all announce they will be closing down for good on New Year’s Eve.
Later on December 17: And then curse yourself for not being rich enough to subscribe to Netflix in which case you wouldn’t have given a rat’s arse what happened to those channels or the shit programs they pump out.
December 31: You go to bed early because you know whether your stay up to see 2022 in or not, it’s just going to be another truly shit year with two-thirds of four-fifths of one-eighth of fuck-all going for it.
Sept 23 – Oct 22
January 12: On the hole, your eponymous pad is the one you swear by and have always trusted.
February 14: You commence divorce proceedings after your husband gives you vegetable-flavoured edible undies as a Valentine’s Day present, knowing full well he can’t even stand to be in the same room as broccoli and eggplant.
March 13: Just as Queensland Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk did last October 31, Premier Mark McGowan attributes his landslide win in today’s West Australian election to PM Scott Morrison, Liberal Premiers and Newscorpse hacks for their never-ending criticism of his harsh COVID-19 border policies. “I couldn’t have achieved this great win without you,” he beams.
April 1: You are shocked to listen to a radio broadcast by Ray Hadley where he lavishes praise on his guest Anthony Albanese and says things like “Sir, you are indeed a wonderful, wonderful person”, “it’s so lovely to have you back on the program” and “I can’t wait until you are the prime minister of what would indeed be a very lucky country to have you lead it”.
May 4: Plagued by chronic insomnia, you plead with your local GP for some form of relief and he gives you a booklet to read at bedtime containing the ministerial statements of Alan Tudge over recent times.
May 5: Your family takes forever to wake you up and at one stage late in the morning are convinced that you have passed.
May 18: When you hear Prime Minister Scott Morrison say there will be no federal election before this time next year, you believe him because you think he’s a decent, caring Christian man whose word is his bond. That’s right; you’re a gullible, easily led schmuck and the sad news for Australia is that you’re probably in the majority.
June and July: Nothing of any great importance happens during these two months; the same old shit just churns over and over making your tedious and mundane existence even more unbearable than ever.
August 8: As someone who has always thought they have a castiron stomach, you change your mind after you fill your cage on The Zipper at the Ekka with a fine mist of strawberry sundaes, Dagwood dogs, chips and beer.
October 31: After a big night out, you wake with a blazing headache, dry mouth and nausea and start to worry that you might have contracted tooheysnewvirus.
November 2: Having never, ever backed a winner of the Melbourne Cup, you place a $5 each way bet with all 24 horses in the race and still feel a tad uneasy about your prospects.
December 31: At the stroke of midnight, you shout “Fuck off 2021” over and over again, even louder than when you fucked off 2020 a year before, and you notice that not a single person disagrees with your noisy sentiments.