The Bug was the only news outlet in the world that scoffed and chortled openly when news broke several days ago that Prime Minister Scott Morrison had been awarded a top military honour by outgoing US President Donald Trump.
The 45th President awarded Mr Morrison the Legion of Merit “for his leadership in addressing global challenges and promoting collective security”.
The Bug chuckled at that so much – oh, who are we kidding … the entire Bug team pissed their pants and a few shat themselves – that it sent a team of investigative reporters out into the field to find the real reason behind the awarding of the Legion of Merit bauble.
And we found it easily enough: a secret tape recording of what US national security adviser Robert O’Brien said in Washington when Australia’s ambassador to the US Arthur SeeNoDonors accepted the medal on the PM’s behalf (pictured right).
Although the recording is scratchy, here’s what Robert O’Brien had to say: “Regardless of what the official citation might say, we all know Prime Minister Morrison is really being honoured for his outstanding leadership and subsequent victory at the Battle of the Shire in 2007.
“General Morrison suffered an early setback in the Battle for the Shire when surprised by the strength of the enemy during a series of local clashes.
“In fact, his foe General Michael Towke’s Lebanese Christian Liberal Front killed 82 of Morrison’s crack troops, led by the Happy Clappy Fifth Brigade singing hymns as they marched into battle clutching their latest Hillsong merchandise, while suffering only eight fatalities among his own soldiers.
“An 82-8 defeat was not what a confident General Morrison filled with enormous self-belief and an overriding desire to please Jesus Christ His Lord and Saviour had been expecting.
“Given the appalling lack of support by the local people and his troops’ pathetic performance in the heat of battle a lesser general not imbued with as much self-confidence or strict devotion to such divine prosperity doctrine goals on behalf of God Almighty would have surrendered there and then and graciously accepted General Towke’s victory.
“But not General Morrison, who had graduated from Cuntroon (sic) Military College with expert knowledge of all aspects of battle, including psychological warfare.
“He pleaded with HQ for help and they in turn approached United States troops that were also active in the Shire, namely the Holt Street division’s news corp of seasoned and ruthless propagandists led by General Rupert Murdoch.
“Murdoch’s men swung into action immediately, with its Daily Telegraph artillery platoon digging up some dirt and dropping thousands of leaflets across territory controlled by General Towke saying the most awful of things about him. Towke was an habitual liar. He was headed for prison for war crimes. They were all untrue. But then again, isn’t truth the first victim of war?
“The scandalous nature of the accusations sent General Towke’s mother to hospital and eventually drained him of the spirit to fight on. So, well done, General Morrison! War is hell but to the victor the spoils!
“So in the end General Morrison won the battle easily. No wonder he feels an ongoing need to this day to honour and financially support the American news corp whenever he can, hey?
“To sum up, General Morrison’s exemplary career in both the business and political world since is testament to his single-minded approach to achieving his goals – indeed, if he wants a job he gets that job – and the United States is proud to have him at our backs and to present this Legion of Merit to our true and loyal friend Down Under.
“We have no better ally in the world than General Morrison. He is so much like our own President in so, so, many ways that it’s not funny.
“General Morrison reflects the spirit and never-say-die, look-after-yourself- because-no-one-else-will, the-poor-can-go-fuck-themselves-for-not-loving-God-enough attitude of the American people.
“Australians should be rightly proud to have General Morrison as their leader. To paraphrase what we always say in the United States, he’s your cunt, right or wrong.”