THE YEAR AHEAD:
Lord Downer of Adelaide Hills has outlined his expectations of the Australian people for the coming new year.
Earlier today media representatives were summoned to His Lordship’s family residence Pout House to record his views on how 2021 should unfold.
Lord Downer arrived at Pout House’s south wing library carried by four strapping well-oiled young under-butlers, all fully shaved and naked apart from Christmas-themed garlands made of local native flowers and personally arranged by His Lordship to cover their modesty.
Once settled on a leather chaise longue, His Lordship called the assembled media representatives to order. (main picture)
“As a nobleman and as one from genteel stock, one does not usually mix with riff raff, corny-faced bobtails, and shabbaroons such as your good selves,” he told the assembled reporters.
“But at this time of the year it is imperative that those of us rightly born into the better classes tell our fellow and lesser Australians what we expect of them in the coming 12 months.
“Heaven forfend we do not experience another year such as we did in 2020,” His Lordship said, his voice wavering while he gently dabbed his eyes with a laced kerchief drawn from his sleeve.
“Nay, we will all be glad to see the back of this year and hell and damnation will befall and befoul us if such circumstances are repeated in 2021.”
Lord Downer then declared that fiscal repair needed to be a priority for all governments across the nation.
“Tis a sad fact, but a reality that we in this nation are encumbered with a system of so-called ‘democracy’ and that so-called ‘governments’ are chosen to administer our public affairs at what are deemed to be ‘elections’.
“Sadly such a system delivers us without exception gangs of foozlers, hedge-creepers, and pigeon-livered hornswogglers to run our nation.
“They have led us down the path of massive public spending in response to the plague that inflicted itself upon us this year.
“The level of debt now resting upon the shoulders of those of you who pay tax is immense and must be reduced.
“Therefore for 2021 I would like to see more Australians try a lot harder to be less poor.
“If they can perform that one simple act, then they will have sufficient means to pay the taxes needed to reduce the debt into which the jackanapes running our so-called ‘governments’ have taken us.”
Having concluded his message, His Lordship declared that Christmas gifts were in order and pointed his lorgnette at a space on the library floor where he declared media representatives might leave their festive offerings for him.
Lord Downer then clicked his fingers which his under-butlers took as a signal to adjust the festive wreaths covering their virile members, and lift His Lordship onto their shoulders to be transported out of the library.