Former elite force rebranded

CANBERRA: The Chief of the Defence Force General Angus Campbell has acted promptly to rebrand a key regiment of the Army in light of pending bad publicity for that corp.

“As of today, The Special Air Service Regiment, officially abbreviated SASR though commonly known as the SAS, will be known as the Not So Special Air Service Regiment, officially abbreviated NSSASR though commonly known as the NSSAS,” General Campbell announced at a hastily called media event.

“And, of course, their motto has been changed from ‘Who Dares Wins’ to the more practical ‘Don’t Get Caught’ which should suit the regiment much better moving forward.”

The NSSAS would continue to be based in Western Australia and the word “elite” could no longer be used to describe NSSAS troops, the general added before telling the assembled media to stand easy and that they could smoke if they had them.

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SYDNEY: Former Queensland Premier Peter Beattie has told his daily morning media conference outside his Sydney home that he will not be addressing any specific issue today.

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BRISBANE: Queensland Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk has given an ironclad guarantee that the small number of Blues supporters who will be allowed to attend Wednesday night’s State of Origin decider at a sold-out Lang Park will be “perfectly safe and fully protected”.

“We are, however – and just as a precaution, mind – reopening the little churchyard cemetery attached to the Christ Church in the shadow of the stadium in the very unlikely event of a NSW win.”