TURMOIL IN LABOR!
By The Bug’s national political reporter WARD STILLADILL
Former shadow minister Joel Fitzgibbon has given his strongest hint yet that he plans to challenge the current Opposition Leader, the ineffectual Anthony Albanese (pictured), for his job.
At a fiery media call at his Hunter electorate office yesterday, Mr Fitzgibbon once again painted himself as being from the true “industrial” heartland of Labor and argued that father-of-our-nation Prime Minister Scott Morrison would continue to play Labor off a break and win countless elections against the current, ineffectual opposition leadership.
“The Australian electorate doesn’t need the ravings of some pure, enlightened, latte-sipping, socialist, tree-hugging and woke capital city greenies,” Mr Fitzgibbon said, shamelessly using many of the words uttered recently by no-nonsense, plain-talking Nationals leader and charismatic deputy PM Michael McCormack.
But it was Mr Fitzgibbon’s stinging attack on “the stupid and dangerous obsession of the party for renewable forms of energy” that made it clear to the assembled media that a tilt at the current wishy-washy Labor leadership beckoned for the former hard-working shadow minister for agriculture and resources.
Brandishing a lump of thermal coal, Mr Fitzgibbon shouted: “This is the long-term future for ensuring this nation has the power its residents and businesses need to keep us forever The Lucky Country!
“The brave miners who dig up this precious resource have my back and they always will,” he added, choking back tears.
Mr Fitzgibbon said he wanted to make it clear that climate change was real and of course he supported all logical moves to stop the earth from warming.
But the proponents of solar and wind-created power would have “egg all over their faces not that you’ll be able to see it” when the sun ran out of hydrogen to burn in five billion years’ time, Mr Fitzgibbon said as he adjusted a tinfoil hat borrowed from Queensland One Nation Senator Malcolm Roberts.
“Solar panels and wind farms are going to be totally useless when the sun no longer shine and the winds don’t blow because the earth is cooling but then not being reheated by the sun anymore!
“Electricity created using this beautiful product will be the only chance for humanity’s future when that time comes,” he said, kissing the lump of coal.
“This amazing, natural product will keep the wheels of industry moving and provide all the warmth we need oin our homes and workplaces.”
Mr Fitzgibbon said he would like to keep answering questions but he wanted to go and shout local coal miners a beer even though it’s not election time.
“I can’t afford to lose any more support in what was once a strong Labor electorate when we had real Labor leaders who truly believed that the light on the hill was powered by an electricity-generation powerhouse run on cheap, clean coal,” he added as he folded his antenna away.
A minder for Mr Fitzgibbon said what the ex-minister meant by that final comment was that he was shitscared that he might one day have to rely on a job and pay packet more in keeping with his abilities.
“The boss is acutely aware what a supermarket shelf-stacker gets paid nowadays.”