Lord Downer has a plan

Lord Downer has made a timely entry into the debate over the nation’s handling of the coronavirus pandemic to suggest a way forward that allows borders and businesses in all states to fully reopen.

Addressing media representatives from behind a hedge at his Pout House estate in the Adelaide Hills (main picture), His Lordship said his plan relied on the maintenance of social distancing.

“My dear Papa and dear Grandpapa instilled in me the need for social distancing,” he said.

“As a result, and for my entire life, I have maintained a good distance between me and my social inferiors.

“In particular I have maintained a suitable distance from those who, unlike me, are not of high rank or birth – any people of trade and definitely my household staff.”

At that point Lord Downer admitted he was, as he spoke, physically close to one of his Pout House staff members.

“I am, although you cannot see them for this tall and remarkable hedge, currently being held aloft by several of my Pout House under footmen,” His Lordship explained.

“I would normally never be in such close and personal contact with oiled and near-naked young lads on my staff.

“It is only in circumstances with the need for my good self to address bird-witted ruffians, bell swaggers, cock bawds, and gilflurts such as yourselves that causes me to be held aloft with their firm hands entwined around my quivering thighs,’ he told the reporters before swooning and momentarily disappearing below  the hedgeline.

On his reappearance Lord Downer said he needed to quickly conclude his remarks and soon would be issuing a pamphlet outlining his plan to tackle the coronavirius.

“Let me just say that my plan is. a very sensible approach and is based on the fact that there are far fewer noblemen and gentlewomen than there are coarse and vulgar lower-ranked larrydags,” he said.

“It stands to reason that if we simply reopen all borders and stop all lockdowns and other betwattled nonsense, we will soon have our nation and its economy back to normal even at the cost of hundreds, nay possibly millions of lives.

“But as long as the better class of people like me and my family maintain our social distance we will quite rightly survive,” His Lordship said before issuing instructions to his under footmen to be lowered and carried at a slow speed to Pout House, and to remove their breeches and all other garments before doing so.