Exclusive: Trump’s doctor tells all

Concerned after listening to US President Donald Trump coughing his way through a late-night media interview, The Bug talked exclusively to White House physician Sean Conley about Trump’s real state of health.

We sought just one promise from the medico: forget about being upbeat, forget any conflict of interest his role in the White House might bring in putting a positive spin on things to protect the US from its foes … just tell the truth about the health of the Leader of the Free World.

The Bug: All that coughing sounded dreadful. Are you really sure the president is fit enough to not just get back to his normal duties but to rejoin the campaign trail?

Dr Conley: Absolutely! I was nearby when he made that media call. Something just got stuck in his throat, that’s all.

The Bug: A late-night burger?

Dr Conley: I think one of the things he said might have had a ring of truth to it. He wasn’t used to it; hence the understandable physical reaction. He recovered quickly.

The Bug: Fair enough. By the way, we’ve always wondered how a then 37-year old, ex-military doctor became the White House physician in 2018?

Dr Conley: I’m an osteopath so I was always interested in serving the nation by looking after our commander-in-chief’s health through a holistic approach involving a system of complementary treatments whereby medical disorders a man of his age could face are treated through the manipulation and massage of the skeleton and musculature.

The Bug: Things common to older folk, such as arthtritis?

Dr Conley: Calcified bone spurs mainly. They give him such hell he can’t sleep at night.

The Bug: What have you been prescribing for that?

Dr Conley: Twitter.

The Bug: So please give us a run-down on his current state of health and his vital signs. No being upbeat for the sake of it, okay?

Dr Conley: Sure thing. As I’ve already reported, the President hasn’t had a fever for several days now and that remains the same this afternoon [US time], many hours after that brief coughing episode.

The Bug: Blood pressure?

Dr Conley: Steady.

The Bug: Lung capacity?

Dr Conley: Unchanged since last night.

The Bug: Pulse?

Dr Conley: Hello, hello! I think we’ve lost the line here?

The Bug: He’s dead, isn’t he?

Line disconnected.