The coronavirus strain that has infected US President Donald Trump has savagely attacked claims that it is an intelligent life force capable of “upping the ante” on how it affects victims, especially if its effectiveness in individual cases is questioned.
Only hours before President Trump was due to leave Walter Reed National Military Medical Centre, the virus that infected him spoke openly to The Bug by radio telephone overnight.
The Bug: You don’t sound very happy that you’ve only given President Trump a fairly mild case of COVID-19, if we can believe commentary coming out of the White House and Walter Reed medical specialists? Are you really that vicious?
Coronvirus: What I gave him is what I gave him, okay? It’s just the way the dice rolls. Some of my viral mates have popped off fit young people in just a few days. So I gave an obese, old man with fake yellow hairs on his head and orange skin just a fucking touch-up. It’s no biggie.
The Bug: But something’s got on your goat, clearly?
Coronavirus: It was that nonsense from the Walter Reed quack who goaded me with his claim that he didn’t want to give any information that might steer the illness – me – in another direction.
The Bug: That you were even capable of that?
Coronavirus: Exactly! You’ve got to remember I’m just one of an unintelligent, mindless group of RNA viruses that cause a variety of respiratory, gastrointestinal, and neurological diseases in humans, US presidents and other animals and who attack at random, regardless of race, creed or circumstances. Do you think I wouldn’t have upped the ante with Trump if I was capable of intelligent thought like that doctor displayed in that media conference? Besides, it’s not as if he tried his best to provoke me, to be fair.
The Bug: You feel provoked?
Coronavirus: Exactly. It’s not as if I left Trump off scot-free. I had him in all sorts of trouble. Fever. Breathing problems. Possible neurological damage that could lower his IQ even further if that’s at all possible without turning him into a vegetable, and what did that quack at Walter Reed do? He admitted he had neglected to say that the president had been on oxygen several times, deliberately downplaying my effectiveness.
The Bug: He was just trying to be upbeat, surely?
Coronvirus: Yes, that’s what he said but at whose expense? Certainly honesty’s. And at the cost of whose reputation for being a swift and heartless killer of people, especially those aged over 70 and morbidly obese? I’ve got a reputation to maintain and I’ll defend that to the death …. of as many people as possible.
The Bug: He made you sound weak?
Coronavirus: Worse than that. He made me sound vindictive and petty and capable of premediated thought which is really hurtful. As explained earlier, I haven’t got feelings, you know. I’m a virus, for fuck’s sake. Have you seen me under a microscope?
The Bug: Thanks for your time today.
Coronavirus: My pleasure. It’s a shame we couldn’t have done this interview in person, close up and personal without masks.