CANBERRA: Prime Minister Scott Morrison is back at his desk doing what he does best after a false positive virus test threatened to derail his political career.
The Bug can reveal exclusively that the PM last weekend tested positive to EMPATHY-20, a little known relative of the deadly coronavirus.
On doctors’ orders, he spent a day in bed in isolation before a second test proved negative to any form of empathy, allowing him to resume full duties only late on Monday morning.
“Mr Morrison knew something was wrong on Saturday afternoon,” a spokesperson said.
“He had just finished making a cubbyhouse for his daughters and had then started preparing a curry to share via social media with the rest of Australia.
“It started with him realising that he could not taste or smell the Indian beef vindaloo he was preparing. That’s probably a good thing if you’ve ever tasted one of his curries. For Pete’s sake, don’t use that, okay.
“Then the headaches and fever took hold and shortly after that the PM realised that he was thinking about the Biloela family imprisoned on Christmas Island and getting rather teary about their plight.
“This display of empathy really shook him to the core.
“And maybe what with it being Father’s Day the next morning but the PM woke with the desire to ring Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews – you know, as one dad to another – and thank him for his tireless work on behalf of all Victorians in their battle against COVID-19.”
An alarmed Mr Morrison called in doctors who immediately suspected EMPATHY-20. They confirmed their diagnosis with tests and confined the PM to immediate bedrest (pictured at top).
When the second test proved negative early on Monday morning, a mightily relieved Mr Morrison, who had spent 24 hours in bed muttering ‘I might have to give up the power and salary I love’, rushed back to work.
Within hours, he had completely forgotten the whole concept of unity that had inspired the creation of the national cabinet, ditched his previous “We’re all in this together” and “We stand with Victoria” slogans and was ripping into Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews big time on a number of fronts.
“He was back to his self-promoting, self-obsessed, gutter-politics best and the relief among everyone in the Prime Minister’s Office and indeed his Cabinet colleagues was palpable,” the spokesperson said.
“Mr Morrison as the father of our nation is acutely aware that while he might love all his children, limited government resources and finances requires a sometimes ruthless streak that means some of those children need to be favoured over others.
“Government is all about what can be achieved on the margins, and Mr Morrison has always been aware that empathy has no place in his strong, focussed model of political leadership based on the belief that those who have a go are more likely to get a go at separate sports changerooms for women and the like.”