Building a secure future

SYDNEY: An angry Scott Morrison has moved quickly to counter widespread social media ridicule that followed a weekend video and still images of him putting together a Bunnings timber-pack product with his younger daughter.

“Of course it wasn’t a cubby house,” the Prime Minister bristled. “Anyone could see neither of my girls could fit in it comfortably.

“And the inference that somehow I disappointed my girls about what we were putting together has really hurt my feelings.

“I clearly told them that it was a secure cabinet for the Prime Minister’s Office that will hold all sports and community rorts documents in the leadup to the next federal poll.

“I told both girls that if Uncle Clive can’t stump up another $91 million ad blitz to get us over the line next time, we’re really going to have to give pork-barreling an enormous nudge in the marginals and this cabinet will keep all the rorts documents, emails between my office and ministers and colour-coded spreadsheets safely tucked away from prying eyes and fingers.

“My younger lass broke my heart when she said: ‘Won’t telling a whole heap of lies over Labor’s policies including another online death taxes scare campaign be enough again next time, daddy? You’re very good at that sort of thing.”


NEW YORK: A shattered Novak Djokovic continues to rue the fallout from his brainfade that saw him defaulted from the US tennis open.

The top seed, 33, appeared to have the championship – and the multi-million-dollar payout that went with it – in his keeping until frustration over losing a point boiled over and he hit a lines lady in the throat with a ball struck in anger.

Djokovic forfeited all his winnings so far in getting to the fourth round of the major and the $3 million final-day payout for wining the grand slam event that had also appeared well in his keeping.

Choked with emotion, Djokovic explained: “My manager says that for a while now to recoup my losses, I’ll have to fly to upcoming tournaments way down in economic (sic) class.”


WASHINGTON, DC: President Donald Trump is facing fresh doubts over his physical well-being with several leading specialists calling on his eyesight to be tested.

“It’s not a good look – if you’ll pardon the pun – with less than two months out from polling day,” a White House source said.

“The suggestions of poor presidential eyesight have come just days after rumours that the president suffered a series of minor strokes several years ago.

“All up, it’s not great news when Mr Trump is trying to make Joe Biden’s age and general mental wellbeing a major issue.”

The top ophthalmologists called for the president to have his eyesight tested immediately after watching video of the recent fatal shooting incident involving 17-year-old Kyle Ritterhouse in Wisconsin and comparing that with the president’s own reading of it.

President Trump said the vision showed Ritterhouse had acted in self defence and he most probably would have been killed if he had not opened fire.

“Maybe there’s two different videos out there,” one of the eye-disease specialists said, trying his best to be diplomatic.