Fight follows grand final decision

JDG officials believe a fight outside a Gold Coast strip club between two of the game’s top players was sparked by interstate rivalry aggravated by the recent decision to pick Brisbane as the venue for the 2020 grand final.

The JDG’s judiciary committee met last night to adjudicate on the fight and heard submissions by the players involved —the Brisbane Bolts’ star left-line grouter Ivor “Big Tool” O’Toole (left, main picture) and the Adelaide Anal Fistures’ first back-rack sketcher Bill “Monster Penis” Smith (right, main picture).

The committee found both players had brought the game into disrespect and awarded them $25,000 each.

Acting JDG chair, Sir Lillian Pansee, said the decision announced earlier this week to have Brisbane host the 2020 JDG grand final had caused friction between the two capital city teams.

“The judiciary committee heard submissions from the two players’ legal teams that the fight started over a disgareement about whether Brisbane or Adelaide deserved to host the grand final,” Sir Lillian said.

“It appears Smith argued the benefits and advantages of Adelaide, referencing the city’s superior urban environment as a legacy of the visionary planning decisions taken by Colonel William Light in the early 19th century.

“O’Toole’s lawyer, Dicky Shearman QC, told the committee that his client had expressed his disagreement with Smith’s proposition by punching him in the face and kicking him in the plums after he fell to the ground.”

Sir Lillian said work was progressing on construction of a temporary playing octagon currently at the foot of the Mt Coot-tha quarry.

“We are very lucky to secure this site. It’s ideal, being just across the road from the Toowong Cemetery.

“That’ll save a lot of time and money at each stanza break when we need to shift bodies fast,” Sir Lillian said.

Speaking to reporters outside the JDG committee rooms last night the general manager of the Brisbane Bolts, Terry Verandah, said the Gold Coast incident should not be allowed to overshadow the forthcoming Brisbane grand final.

“It’s only you pus-oozing, dog-rooting, syphlitic reptiles in the media that are trying to make a big deal of a bit of biff that doesn’t amount to a mosquito’s prick in the big scheme of things,” Mr Verandah said while lunging at a newspaper photographer with a machete before storming off.

Head coach of the Bolts, Jack Saunders, dismissed the significance of the public brawl between O’Toole and Smith.

“It’s just a bit of hi-jinks – just some good natured horseplay,” he said.

Disclaimer: The Bug is an official sponsor of the Brisbane Bolts.