Well, spring has sprung and with the warmer weather, we’re all asking ourselves: is it safe to step outside and smell the coronavirus?
The world’s most accurate astrologist provides the answers to ensure we all have the very best chance of making it through the summer fire season over the next nine months.
August 23 – September 22
You wonder why, every time you watch Niki Savva on ABC’s Insiders, you immediately think of the time you took in a Kransky Sisters concert.
September 23 – October 22
Watching NRL matches, you wonder if, come year’s end, English language experts will nominate “Set restart” and “Six again” as their buzz words or phrases for 2020, both meaning a totally baffling and inexplicable event.
October 23 – November 21
You finally realise that when LNP politicians at state and federal level repeatedly say they “are all in this together”, they mean that they “are all in this together” to destroy the career of Victorian Labor Premier Daniel Andrews.
November 22 – December 21
After boarding your Jetstar plane you remember why you never willingly choose to fly with the no-frills airline when you are asked by a flight attendant if you wish to buy a seat belt.
December 22 – January 19
However you do notice that since your last Jetstar flight the airline has made at least one positive change by now offering you a choice of buying surly or non-surly cabin crew service.
January 20 – February 18
Still, the flight went smoothly enough although you did feel a tad sorry for the budget passengers velcro-strapped to the wings.
February 19 – March 20
You toss and turn in bed all night fretting over the news that property values could plummet 40 per cent due to the economic downturn caused by the coronavirus, only to realise just before breakfast that you don’t own any property.
March 21 – April 19
You are not at all surprised to read that the Australasian League of Cunning Shithouse Rats has once again appointed as their patron Prime Minister Scott Morrison.
April 20 – May 20
You don’t often agree with the Australian government but wholeheartedly support its overnight decision to take back Christchurch mosques mass murderer Brenton Tarrant – as long as it’s in a body bag.
May 21 – June 20
In a quiet and reflective moment as a reasonable and logical person, you think that maybe Daniel Andrews should resign for the hotel quarantine fuckups and subsequent deaths but then only if Morrison and Colbeck resign over their systemic aged care fuckups over a much longer timeframe.
June 21 – July 22
Caught in a public toilet without any toilet paper, you thank your lucky stars that you had the presence of mind some time ago to download the appropriate app on your smartphone to deal with just such a situation – although you probably won’t be using that phone again any time soon.
July 23 – August 22
After you dream that Donald Trump wins the November presidential election, you immediately scratch “Riding across the US on Route 66 on a Harley Davidson” off your bucket list and insert “Learn fluent Chinese” instead.