I want – no, let’s make that need! – to make an urgent and heartfelt plea to my good mates Chris Jones and …aah, eer … that other bloke … what’s his name now?….that’s right… Kelvin Healey, editors respectively of The Courier-Mail and Sunday Mail in Brisbane.
There’s no time to waste, lads. Your attacks on Annastacia Palaszczuk and her Queensland Labor government have to be ratcheted up to nuclear levels right here, right now!
Both of you would have been deeply worried by the result of the Northern Territory poll last Saturday.
At last count, Labor in the NT is only 2.6 percent down on its primary vote from four years ago, when it won 18 seats out of 25 and reduced Adam Giles’s government to two seats.
Only 2.6 percent, chaps! A remarkable result considering the natural correction normally expected after a mammoth win, along with the fact that this time round, there was an extra main-party player seeking support.
The Labor Party in the NT could still end up with 16 seats, a remarkable recovery from being in the doldrums only months ago.
And you both know the reason as well as I do – Michael Gunner and his Labor team campaigned almost entirely on their fight against COVID-19 and their tough border measures!
So, chaps, what are you two “gunner” do to thwart the Polish Princess from adopting the very same tactics and stumbling over the line in the Sunshine State?
A Labor win would mean that by late 2024 those dreaded socialists will have governed Queensland for 28 of the past 34 years!
Goodness, gracious me, Johannas will be spinning in his grave up at Bethany and the man upstairs is going to be far from pleased. And you know who I’m referring to, right?
So, please, please, take on board some criticisms of your current campaign against Labor in Queensland.
It’s time to change tact; it’s time to get down and dirty!
Firstly, let’s look at some of your most recent efforts, pictured at top.
YOU ARE SO VAIN! DON’T COUNT YOUR PALASZ-CHOOKS!
Really, boys? REALLY? Fuck me roan!
Do you really think voters could give a rat’s arse about whether Palaszczuk is vain or arrogant, especially if the criticism comes from some washed up former party secretary bitter about not getting a safe seat or some such thing?
What’s your next great idea? Double up and say she’s got an ego the size of Uluru? Or she’s self-centred. Or full of hubris. A compulsive liar, perhaps?
If voters around Australia were repulsed by those character flaws, there’d be fuck all pollies left and the last three Australian prime ministers would not have been Liberal!
No, lads, your offensive from now on has to be totally negative – and totally personal.
Sorry, but I can see no other way. I really do believe you were on the right path some months back when you got Deb Frecklington to lambast the Premier for her fancy clothes and hoity-toity ways!
You’ve got to keep punching away about the basic differences between the two women.
You’ve got to focus on the fact that Palaszczuk is a rather frumpy and lonely woman, compared with the vivacious and pretty Di, the sensible mother of three who knows how hard it is to raise a family in troubling times.
Heading alert: Palaszczuk: Barren in life and barren in policy ideas. I can see that in 400 point with a horrible cartoon of her!
But that has got to be just the start.
Get your journos out and about to get all the dirt they can on Palaszczuk! Maybe a nice little Kia sedan could be the prize for the best dirt uncovered before polling day on 31 October?
Does Palaszczuk have shocking halitosis, for example? Atrocious body odour that goes unchecked because she’s such a bitch of a boss that no-one will have a quiet word in her ear about it, not even her most trusted senior policy advisers?
How about this! When it comes to wiping her arse, does she scrunch rather than fold toilet paper?
Most people fold and the thought of wiping with a scrunched up piece of loo paper disgusts them to the point their sphincters give an involuntary clench at the very idea. People who are scrunchers never wipe their bums properly. We all know that.
So get to it, lads. Dig deep to get the muckiest dirt you can. Fling it hard and fling it fast. Order in the latest Photoshop for your artists. Make Rupert proud.
FOR THE NT RESULT SHOWS THERE’S NO TIME TO LOSE!
With your best efforts, I remain confident the required result can be achieved for all Queenslanders in late October.