Dahmer case consumes JDG


Brisbane Bolts’ star player Jeff “Chomper” Dahmer will plead provocation when he fronts a JDG judiciary hearing tonight to answer a charge of cannibalism.

Dahmer was charged with the offence under JDG rules following an off-field incident on Sunday after the Bolts had defeated the Perth Prostates 5634.97 to 8974.3 at a match played under social distancing arrangements at the Sunshine Coast’s Lomotil Stadium, better known as Cack Park.

After the whistle blew to signal the end of the seventh trimester and the teams had left the field, Dahmer (main picture) was caught on security camera outside the Prostates’ dressing room trying to catch the attention of their back middle grinder Charles “Pretty Boy” Floyd who was in the middle of a post-game shower.

bolts dinkusA JDG spokesperson said the footage had been seized as evidence for tonight’s hearing.

“It shows Dahmer enticing a naked Floyd into a secluded end of the corridor outside the dressing room area, lunging at him, and taking large bites out of his neck which caused him to expire rapidly from loss of blood,” the spokesperson said.

“The footage also shows Dahmer continuing to eat parts of Floyd and then stuffing his remains in an industrial bin.

“The JDG’s judiciary committee is keeping an open mind on this matter and will give both sides a fair hearing as it has done in similar previous cases of alleged cannibalism,” the spokesperson said.

If found guilty, Dahmer faces a six-match ban and may miss the 2020 JDG Grand Final if the Bolts maintain their winning form.

General manager of the Brisbane Bolts, Terry Verandah, said Dahmer was “clearly innocent”.

When located leaving a Noosa brothel, Verandah told reporters that the Brisbane Bolts’ lawyer Dicky Shearman QC would be arguing that Dahmer was provoked by Floyd.

“Those turd smears you arseholes pass off as news stories should start telling the truth,” a trouserless and intoxicated Verandah said while wielding a large carving knife at media representatives.

“Let’s face it, Floyd is, or was, a very pretty boy. Anyone who saw him said he looked so good you could eat him.

“Even I felt like taking a nibble at him, and I say that as a red-blooded hetro who’s just spent an afternoon and a fortune on my Bolts’ credit card having an awesome foursome involving at least two young women.

“Now get out of my fucking way or I’ll slice you,” Mr Verandah said before entering his car and driving off erratically.

When contacted, head coach of the Bolts, Jack Saunders, dismissed the Dahmer controversy as “a minor incident”.

“It was just a bit of high-jinks,” he said. “Just some good-natured horseplay.”

 DISCLOSURE: The Bug is a major sponsor of the Brisbane Bolts.