Galloping into August

It’s time to saddle up for another month of who knows what? Well, our in-house seer KISMA ARYIAS knows only too well the hurdles, handicaps, and prizes in store for those who use his infallible predictions and make every post a winner. 

astars dinkus

LEO
July 23 – August 22

For a very brief moment you are in your wife’s good books after surprisingly remembering that today is her birthday, but things quickly turn sour when you explain it was easy to remember because 1 August is every horse’s birthday.

VIRGO
August 23 – September 22

After reading that the young Queensland women blamed for spreading coronavirus by breaching social isolation and distancing rules had sparked “furious” commentary on social media, you wonder if there is any other type of social media commentary.

LIBRA
September 23 – October 22

As a professional bank robber operating largely in Victoria, it’s really starting to give you the shits that when you enter a bank branch wearing your mask, no-one takes any notice of you any more.

SCORPIO
October 23 – November 21

When you consider the vast range of freely available reality video websites on the internet you are puzzled when your ISP and law enforcement authorities order you to shut down your pioneering gash-cam site.

SAGITTARIUS
November 22 – December 21

You have no better luck with your plans for a rival and ribald entry into the online market for short viral videos after police and communication authorities also order you to take down your new Thik Kok website.

CAPRICORN
December 22 – January 19

You wonder why the ABC and many other outlets always talk about the number of “new” COVID-19 deaths on any particular day. It’s not as if they are a day or two old.

AQUARIUS
January 20 – February 18

Ahead of your time, you test positive to COVID-20.

PISCES
February 19 – March 20

You buy an investment property on the money you’ve saved by not having to take your family to this year’s cancelled Ekka.

ARIES
March 21 – April 19

You wonder why there’s not a category at the annual AACTA awards for those television commercial actors who pretend to be really enjoying a KFC meal.

TAURUS
April 20 – May 20

You eagerly tune into Channel 9’s 6pm news service each night, keen to find out whose life Prime Minister Scott Morrison has saved today.

GEMINI
May 21 – June 20

With exactly 13 weeks to go to the Queensland state election, you are really looking forward to a balanced, fair and professional coverage of the campaign from The Courier-Mail, the Sunday Mail, the Gold Coast Bulletin, the Cairns Post and the Townsville Bulletin, a fact you happily share with other inmates at the asylum.

CANCER
June 21 – July 22

For a very brief moment your chest, and groin, swell with pride when your wife explains how she remembered that today is your birthday because 1 August is every horse’s birthday, but then she says she’s mistaken and was thinking of a former boyfriend.