Australian republic push scrapped


The Australian Republican Movement is to disband following the release of shock new images that clearly show its push for the nation to cut ties to the United Kingdom is doomed.

ARM chair Peter FitzSimons (below right) admitted in an early-morning video call to The Bug that the release of the images had shocked to its very core a movement he was proud to mention he was the head of at every possible opportunity and in most if not all of his newspaper columns.

“The fight is over,” Fitzsimons admitted. “We simply can’t compete with this.Peter-FitzSimons-1260x840

“We had a surge in our level of support with the release of the palace letters and polls have always shown our best chance for a republic would come when Charles becomes king in another 15 years.

“As my good friend and fellow republican stalwart Malcolm Turnbull correctly pointed : ‘We [Australians] are all Elizabethans’.

“But our ‘Chuck Chuck!’ strategy is now in ruins with the release of these images.”

Dramatically pulling his red bandana off his head and holding it out sideways at arm’s length, he added: “We put up a good fight but the battle is over and we have lost” before conducting his own version of a mike drop.

FitzSimons was referring, of course, to absolutely darling photographs from England of Prince George, third in line to the British throne, turning seven. To make matters worse, the pictures were taken by the princess’s mother, Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge, who one day will still remain stunningly beautiful as the Queen Mother in right royal old age.

“The moment the images (at top) were shown on last night’s Channel 9 news, my phone rang hot from other ARM executive members who do not head the movement like I do,” FitzSimons said. “Did i mention that earlier?

“One summed it up brutally when he said: ‘There’s no way now the Australian people will vote for a republic until the young prince becomes King George – if indeed that’s what his royal highness chooses to call himself – and gets his chance to shine as our head of state’.

“And realistically, that’s not going to happen for at least 85 years,” FitzSimons explained.

“But you’ve got to agree… isn’t he an absolute darling in those photos? Such a handsome young chap. And you can only imagine how perfect his teeth are going to be when he ‘s an adult. And he surely won’t have a stutter or, hopefully, have a deep longing to be someone’s tampon.

“I’m sure he’s going to be an excellent and much loved King of Australia,” FitzSimons admitted ruefully, adding that with ARM being disbanded, he’d probably only write one newspaper column a week from now on unless he had a book about to be published.