Brisbane Bolts head south

SPORT:

As the nation’s AFL teams escape coronavirus restrictions by heading north to base themselves in South-East Queensland for the remainder of the season, current JDG wooden-spooners the Brisbane Bolts have fled south to Melbourne.

The club’s general manager Terry Verandah has denied the shift is a risky move and has emphatically dismissed suggestions that the club was deliberately seeking to expose some of its players to the deadly COVID-19 virus.

“Sure I’ve heard those rumours,” Mr Verandah told reporters before entering an illegal brothel at St Kilda late last night.

bolts dinkus smaller“But it’s you vomit-eating, scum-sucking, enema buckets that are spreading such lies and filth.

“There’s no truth to the rumours that we want to get rid of some of our more expensive players by billeting them in public housing towers while they train in Melbourne.

“Jesus, a kilo of canine pubic lice has more brains than you lot. I dare you to go out to the training ground and take a look for yourself, you brainless mob of  syphilitic fist rooters.”

Mr Verandah grew angry when specifically asked if the JDG’s salary cap had prompted the temporary shift south in a bid to shed players.

“I don’t give a dingo’s fissured coit about that,” he snapped. “The club’s in a good position financially and the loan I negotiated with the Bank of Iran, and the new sponsorship deals I sorted out with Huawei and the North Korean Tourist Association should be seen for what they are — sheer bloody genius.

“But as always I know I’ll get no credit from you camel-felching maggots.

“Now if you pus-oozing reptiles will fuck off I have work to do,” a trouser-less Mr Verandah said before entering the brothel while swinging wildly at reporters with a broken bottle.

Responding to Mr Verandah’s challenge, The Bug visited the club’s temporary training ground adjacent to public housing towers at Carlton in Melbourne’s inner-north (main picture).

When confronted with pictures of the grounds, Jack Saunders, head coach of the Bolts dismissed suggestions that COVID-19 exposure was behind a number of deaths since team members arrived in Melbourne.

“It was just a bit of high-jinks,” he said. “Just some good-natured horseplay.”

DISCLOSURE: The Bug is a major sponsor of the Brisbane Bolts.