Has China declared war on Australia?
The Morrison government and senior diplomats in Foreign Affairs are scrambling this morning to find an answer to that question after a provocative message read out overnight outside the Chinese embassy in Canberra.
In a statement believed to have the imprimatur of the communist country’s leader President Xi Jinping, an embassy official told hastily gathered media: “China urges Australia to buy as many of these so-called state-of-the-art stealth missiles from the United States as it can afford and to give us your best shot.”
After suppressing a bout of giggling in Chinese, the official continued: “And China stands ready to lend Australia at very reasonable interest rates as much money as is required to ensure there needs to be no limit whatsoever on how many of these long range and precise….” he paused once more and then apologised for a series of guffaws that erupted from his mouth and which he had enormous difficulty bringing under control before concluding “…world-leading ordance as it wants.
“The glorious fatherland’s naval might stands ready to test out the effectiveness of these wonder weapons….”
Racked once more with body-shaking laughter, the official was just barely able to conclude his remarks with a final “So, c’mon, Australia let’s rumble! Show us what you’ve got!” before retiring back beyond the embassy’s security gates, a handkerchief pressed firmly over his mouth.
One retired Australian Navy Lieutenant Commander who asked not to be named explained to The Bug the reasons for the apparent Chinese confidence evident in the tone and content of the embassy official’s comments.
“You may have read some months ago that the Chinese have fitted almost their entire naval armada with ‘rail guns’ – amazing weaponry that can virtually fill the sky with high explosive rounds that travel at unbelievable speed.
“The news stunned the US who doubt they will ever catch up to Chinese advances in 21st Century weaponry.
“Any US missiles we buy will be a few hours’ target practice for these rail guns.”
A Defence Department official would only concede that war with China would be unwise until the new US missiles were delivered.
“In the meantime, military experts are investigating the prospects of adding a series of barrels, round magazines and two and four stroke Victa motors to Hill’s Hoists to turn them into very effective machine guns that would suit our navy’s smaller patrol boats.
“It’s a clever concept but the only problem is that most Victa two-and-four stroke engines come from China nowadays anyway.”