WASHINGTON, DC: White House doctors believe First Lady Melania Trump might require skin grafts on her right hand after they were forced to used a highly corrosive chemical compound to break down the high-strength adhesive used to glue that hand to President Trump’s right hand.
“This happens every time the president wants the FLOTUS to accompany him on the White House lawns or external sites such as the Air Force One gangplank for a photo opportunity,” one medico said on the condition of anonymity.
“He really needs to stop that before Melania’s hand is irreparably damaged. This stuff was invented by NASA for repairing cracks in space shuttles and makes Araldite look about as useful as fairy floss as a glue.
“Why can’t he just transfer a large amount of money into her account like whenever he wants her to smile?”
WASHINGTON, DC: An angry US President Donald Trump has furiously rejected widespread claims that he cowardly hunkered down in the basement of the White House as thousands of people protested outside.
“I’ve seen the Bunker Boy cheap shots and the accusations that I’m a lily-livered chicken at heart,” President Trump said.
“The simple truth is that my bone-spur ointment had run out and with that long walk across to the church about to happen, I rushed down to the basement to grab another tube from the first-aid cabinet down there.
“I was in the basement for less than a minute.”
SYDNEY: Struggling pay TV provider Foxtel has announced yet another new offering just days after launching its streaming service Binge as a competitor to existing players Netflix, Stan, and Disney-Plus among others.
Foxtel — majority owned by Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp Australia — said the financial crisis besetting its parent company that had seen the scrapping of most of its traditional newspapers was behind the sudden addition of another new channel.
“Quite frankly, right now we need every cent we can get so we’ve decided to offer an extra channel even though we’ve just launched Binge,” a Foxtel source said on condition of anonymity.
“The streaming market is very competitive so we need to deliver something different and we reckon our new Minge porno channel will soon find an audience willing to pay.
“Right now we’re working on a slogan and we can’t decide between ‘Minge on Binge’ or ‘Binge on Minge’. Either works, really.”
The source said Mr Murdoch had personally endorsed creation of the extra channel, but his idea of calling it Fuxtel had been politely rejected.