Entire Bolts squad suspended over ‘orgy’

SPORTS SCANDAL:

Restart plans for the suspended JDG season have been thrown into total disarray following the suspension of the entire Brisbane Bolts squad for breaking COVID-19 social distancing and home lock-down rules.

The squad of 34 was stood down indefinitely this morning at an emergency Bolts board meeting after they organised and took part in a drunken beach party cum drug-fuelled orgy at Brisbane’s Centenary Pool complex last night.

The latest suspensions come only days after Bolts management gave a number of senior players the benefit of the doubt and just a stern talking to over an incident on Wednesday night involving a number of women and a well-oiled goat.

The only Bolts players to escape punishment this time are two second-defence-quadrant reservists who are still on life support in hospital after their lack of match fitness was exposed in their match a month ago against the Canberra Colonoscopies before COVID-19 brought the season to an end.

The Bug understands that the entire Year 11 and 12 forms at nearby Brisbane Girls Grammar have also been suspended following their involvement in last night’s incident.

Brisbane Bolts’ lawyer Dickie Shearman, who is also the JDG’s senior counsel, lashed out at the media this morning, warning outlets that anyone who beats up “a rather trivial incident will wish they’d never been born”.

“I’ll have your fucking guts for garters,” he said. “And that’s only after you slimy reptiles will be wishing you’d never been spawned.

“I won’t need a fucking courtroom to take you bastards apart.”

The Bug understands that the Bolts players booked out the entire pool complex just yesterday morning and covered the entire concourse around the main 50-metre pool with hundreds of tonnes of fine beach sand for their “beach” party.

The nearby diving pool was also emptied and refilled with Midori slushie and the former restaurant/gymnasium venue overlooking those pools was converted into a disco and dance venue (pictured at top).

The wild party began just after dusk and was only broken up when scores of Queensland riot police in full protective armour were called in around 3am to clear the venue.

Brisbane Bolts general manager and former CEO Terry Verandah said it was unfortunate that video from the pool party had found its way into the mainstream media.

“We’ve all got to acknowledge that sometimes video can be shot from certain angles that distort the true picture of what’s really going on.

“Nevertheless the Bolts squad had been suspended as a temporary measure but I’m confident a full internal inquiry will exonerate his players and they will be eligible to play when the killing season restarts in late May as planned.

“I’m told very few of the girls were seriously injured last night in what was, after all, just some high-spirited horseplay.

“The lads are just so frustrated at not being able to take to the field. They’d kill for some on-field action right now.”

The team’s head coach Jack Saunders also defended the actions of his players.

“The current social distancing rules are absolutely ridiculous,” Saunders said. “You try fucking a sheila who’s up for it from 1.5 metres away.

“There’s only two players on our roster who can do that – Cyril “Cervix Crusher” Connors and Donny The Wad” Browne.

JDG acting chair Sir Lilian Pansy said that while he did not want to discuss this particular incident he added: “Our sport has never been one for sissies and never will be.”

STOP PRESS: The JDG season can be relaunched on time after The Bolts management this morning lifted all suspensions on “good behavior” grounds considering team members had behaved themselves on Thursday night.

Disclaimer: The Bug has been a long-term supporter of the Brisbane Bolts.

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