God has stormed out of a joint media conference in Canberra with Prime Minister Scott Morrison after hostile questioning went well beyond the topic limits His Omnipresence had been promised.
The conference had begun well enough with the PM introducing “my very good friend God Almighty, father of Jesus Christ our Lord” and God, after some opening remarks about how much he loved Australians and was more than happy to be here, responded positively to several questions on how far advanced world research was on creating an effective vaccine for COVID-19.
God appeared happy to take credit for giving life to the various medical experts working in laboratories worldwide to find a cure for the pandemic that has killed hundreds of thousands of people and crippled the world’s economy.
“I made those,” He said. “Gave them the intelligence and the drive to get this vital work done.” And, indeed, it was most unusual to hear a ripple of applause from sections of a normally neutral media throng.
In fact, The Courier-Mail‘s national political reporter Renee Viellaris was heard to say, albeit rather softly as she caressed her Rupert beads: “I can’t believe we have the Father of Creation and the Father of our Nation on the one platform at the same time!”
Indeed, it is thought to be the first time ever God has appeared in person in any forum at any time in world history.
Unfortunately, things got a little heated when one non-News Corp journalism asked God, firstly, why he had created the viral pandemic to begin with, and if he may be permitted a follow-up question, why in heaven was it afflicting on earth far more people from low socio-economic backgrounds and coloured folk especially?
“Wasn’t that all a little bit terribly unfair?” Which was really a third question when you come to think about it.
God said he was not interested in “Canberra bubble gossip” and would not be distracted by meaningless side issues such as those, sports rorts, the Ruby Princess, unwise Hawaiian holidays and criminal book piracies.
“People aren’t interested in those things. Fake news, people. Not just fake news; stale news!”
In His divine infinityness, He would concentrate instead on the positive news now unfolding in the fight against COVID-19 and the role He could play from now on to continue slowing the curve against the disease.
God then became clearly agitated when one rogue reporter tried to question Him on a separate issue.
“Why did you in your omnipotency and if you are indeed an all-good, all-knowing, all-loving God kill those four decent Victorian police officer heroes and let that Porche-driving playboy mongrel lowlife, drug-addled prick escape uninjured?” he asked, forcing the prime minister to intervene and say only questions about the coronavirus would be accepted at the media call.
But God grabbed the microphone and shouted angrily: “You try to be fucking everywhere at once!”
Four cherubic angels then floated down and grabbed God gently by both elbows and floated him skywards as another journo from some unheard-of left-wing journal shouted: “How in heaven could you have ever seen any merit whatsoever in allowing Peter Dutton to be born?”
Before God disappeared from view in an overcast autumnal sky above the nation’s capital, He was heard to shout: “Me Almighty! Prime Minister, I don’t know how you put up with these lowlife bastards on a daily basis. Some of them think they’re my gift to the world.
“Do you want me to beam you up, Scotty?”