Bad back pain? A solution is at hand!

MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH:

Here’s great news for the countless Australians suffering from “the great Australian back” or indeed just about anyone crippled by arthritis and similar ageing ailments that have made movement difficult if not impossible.

Medical researchers have discovered a new wonder drug, a complex chemical compound that, when taken orally in a capsule, can bring immediate and long-lasting relief from such crippling conditions.

And the good news is that it’s a totally Australian discovery, unearthed in an exclusive Canberra institute near Lake Burley Griffin. The bad news is that the developmental costs have been hefty and the treatment for now is only available to the rich and the privileged.

The compound is called HCFB, or to use its scientific formulation, Hydra Courtisone Full  Benchzine, and it’s being marketed as Pellreleaseamine.

And The Bug can not only reveal that one of Australia’s most loved and revered religious leaders Cardinal George Pell was one of the first to try the new wonder drug but that he is in fact taping an advertisement (pictured at top) for the amazing product at his semenary retreat in Homebush, Sydney to help recover some of his recent legal costs.

We’ve seen some of the footage shot to date and in it Cardinal Pell, once again the proud prince of the Catholic Church dressed in full ceremonial robes and regalia, admittedly looks younger than he has for years.

“When I had to attend various commissions and courts to defend shameless, trumped-up charges against me, I could barely walk unaided,” the cardinal says to camera.

“Goodness gracious me, I’m not saying I was as bad off as that shuffling Alan Bond we saw on the tele years ago, but I was clearly in a very bad way.

“My condition worsened as I made my way through the appeal process after that dreadful miscarriage of justice based on the dreadful lies told by that former choir boy. You wouldn’t believe some of the things that came out of his mouth!

“Then just the other day, someone alerted me to this new HCFB treatment, and in desperation I tried the full course of seven tablets as recommended. I’ve never seen black and white tablets before but there you are. The Lord moves in mysterious ways.

“Well, I was released almost immediately from the joint pain I had been suffering.

“You probably have all seen that footage of me at that Hume Highway roadhouse, walking quite freely without the need of a stick or walking frame. That’s how fast HCFB worked for me.”

In another scene, Cardinal Pell pushes a bottle of the HCFB tablets towards the camera and says: “Since I’ve been on these, I’ve been waking up feeling like a young boy again.”

Postscript: Cardinal Pell is expected to laud how HCFB has turned his life around in a pre-taped oral exchange with staunch supporter Andrew Bolt on Sky News TV tonight.