Virus no laughing matter for top comics

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MELBOURNE: Australia’s stand-up comics have banded together to press the Morrison Government for a special payment to compensate them for lost income during the COVID-19 crisis.

Designated spokesperson for the group, Tom Ballard (main picture), said the government needed to support the hundreds of stand-up comics who had now lost the opportunity to go onstage and string together a few barely interesting personal anecdotes based around various bodily functions and interspersed with heavy swearing.

“Fuck me, I mean what the fuck’s that all about hey? Fuck!” Mr Ballard said.

He said that while comedy festivals and venues remained closed it was vital the Morrison Government acted to protect the unique and highly original talent shown by Australia’s stand-up comics.

“Fuck! That’s why we’ve fucking called our fucking group Comic Relief. Fuck me. Hey, what’s that all about? Fuck,” he said.

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MELBdaniel wild headshotOURNE: The ABC TV studios here at Southbank were flooded with thousands of thank-you calls earlier this morning after technical difficulties prevented the News Breakfast what-the-papers-say segment from going ahead on time with the Institute of Public Affairs’ research fellow Daniel Wild (pictured).

Unfortunately, the segment went to air a little later.

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LONDON: An emotional British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has more or less admitted in a televised statement overnight that much-loved comedian Tim Brooke-Taylor, 79, would probably still be alive today if two of the National Health Service’s best nurses had spent 48 hours standing by his bedside, diligently and professionally pressing buttons to ensure his blood got the oxygen he needed to survive.

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MELBOURNE: A chartered Lion Air flight landed safely here overnight.