Virus cruise ship solution mooted

BREAKING NEWS:

The Royal Australian Navy believes it has the ideal solution to the current standoff that sees the killer-virus cruise ship Ruby Princess steaming up and down the coast off Sydney.

“Australia doesn’t want the vessel here and the ship’s owners are determined not to leave,” a Navy spokesperson said.

“Australians are shit-scared about this pandemic and Navy chiefs met overnight and they think they’ve come up with the perfect solution.”

That may be so, but The Bug understands the federal national war cabinet when it meets later today is expected to torpedo the idea, at least for the time being.

An enormous amount of blame finger-waving has taken place between the NSW and federal governments after the ship was allowed to dock at Circular Quay in Sydney on March 19 and disembark 2700 passengers without any health checks.

Eleven passengers have since died from Covid-19 – the latest being a 78-year-old in Queensland yesterday – and a large slice of all Covid-19 cases in Australia have been sourced to the ship.

NSW Police Commissioner Mick Fuller has ordered a top-level homicide investigation into the scandal.

STOP PRESS: NSW’S top cop has now shut down that homicide inquiry into why the cruise ship was allowed to dock in Sydney and disembark 2700 passengers without any health checks, after he was handed proof overnight that the ship had never, ever, at any stage left the water.

Commissioner Mick Fuller told The Bug this morning:”This is clearly now an on-water matter that breached our border security and so is solely within the jurisdiction of Australian Border Force. Let’s make no secret about that.

“I’ve subsequently stood down my homicide detectives and passed over the investigation to ABF and Home Affairs Minister Dutton.”

Commissioner Fuller explained: “”I’m confident that Peter Dutton will now instigate a full and secret probe by his staff into this matter.

“Naturally the findings will never be released in case virus-smugglers are emboldened by them.

“But my very best guess is that the findings will absolve everyone of any blame in this rather unfortunate case.

“I think such an outcome would be acceptable given that neither the federal or NSW governments are Labor.”

The internal Home Affairs probe is not expected to interview anybody and will find that no-one was hurt except those who were and the chances of a successful prosecution would have always been very slim anyway.

As one of Mr Dutton’s staffers told The Bug: “Ship happens.”