Her Majesty assures her subjects

VIRUSBRIEFSDINKUSLONDON: A pre-recorded television address by Queen Elizabeth will be broadcast throughout the UK today as part of official efforts to calm Britons in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic.

Her Majesty recorded the address late last week at Buckingham Palace (main picture) to call for calm while the national lockdown continues and to demonstrate that she is exposed to the same risks and hardships as everyone else in the nation.


BRISBANE: The owner of a bistro in the town of Petrie north of Brisbane says he has closed its doors permanently after its usual robust patronage evaporated even before new rules for limited trading during the coronavirus crisis took effect.

1PETRIEDISH“We opened here a decade ago and patronage just took off which convinced me that we could have survived just on our take-away trade but we never got the chance to find out,” said Luke Warm (pictured), owner of the Petrie Dish.

“Weeks ago — just as soon as news of the coronavirus broke and even before eateries were told to end their dine-in service — our turnover just plummeted. I’m still not sure why.”


MELBOURNE: A Geelong man has claimed that a memory lapse and confusion caused him to improperly touch another person while walking in the Bourke Street Mall in Melbourne.

Moshe Pitt, 27 of Heidelberg, has pleaded not guilty in the County Court to charges of indecent assault arising from his contact with a woman walking in the mall last week.

In his defence Pitt told the court he did not know the woman but wanted to meet her.

He said he was aware of the practice of “bumping elbows” instead of shaking hands during the current coronavirus scare, but as he attempted to make contact with the woman he momentarily forget the term and in his own mind substituted “bump uglies”. The hearing continues.


SYDNEY: NSW Health says it is yet to decide if the death of a dyslexic man in a Parramatta house fire overnight will be included in figures for coronavirus deaths.

A NSW Health spokesperson said officers compiling statistics used to help shape the fight against the virus were not yet clear if the death of the 34-year-old man would be listed as a Covid-19 fatality.

“We do know the man was dyslexic and neighbours said the last time they had spoken with him he had advised them that he would be following the government’s advice to self-immolate,” the spokesperson said.

“So, yeah, it’s a bit of a quandary for our statisticians right now.”