There’s only one topic on everyone’s mind at the moment, so the world’s greatest predictarist and prognosticator makes no excuses for the general theme of his predictions for the month of April.
March 21 – April 19
While you don’t entirely agree with critics who claim Prime Minister Morrison waffles on too much in his daily coronavirus media calls, you do admit you’re getting a little tired of the way he puffs on a big Cuban cigar all the time and flashes his two-finger victory salute at the end.
April 20 – May 20
You wonder, given new strict stay-at-home rules for the over 70s to combat covid-19, if a quick trip to your local BWS outlet is permissible as an example of a dire emergency situation.
May 21 – June 20
You wake up in the dead of night alarmed to find you suddenly have a raging fever, a runny nose and a constant irritating cough, only to be mightily relieved when you realise it’s not covid-19 but only your house burning down around you.
June 21 – July 22
You wait patiently for Prime Minister Morrison to say for the very first time that no matter how big the 2019-20 deficit turns out to be due to covid-19, it would have been twice as bad under Labor.
July 23 – August 22
You wait patiently for Prime Minister Morrison to say for the very first time that no matter how much his government spends to try to keep Australia out of depression as a result of covid-19, Labor would have had to have spent twice as much.
August 23 – September 22
Having run out of toilet paper due to panic buying over covid-19, you reach for a copy of The Australian but your arse shouts angrily: “No, please! Anything but that! I might only be an arsehole for fuck’s sake but, shit, I do have standards, OK?”
September 23 – October 22
You don’t really want to die this month but with a limit of 10 people at funerals because of covid-19, it might be the perfect time to do just that to disguise the fact that you’ve been an offensive, obnoxious, unkind and thoughtless jerk your entire life with few if any friends.
October 23 – November 21
Your missus is starting to get a bit frisky and is no longer buying your argument that because of covid-19, it’s essential that you keep your social distancing buffer of 1.5 metres at all times.
November 22 – December 21
You’re wondering why the federal government can suddenly find $200 billion to splash around to ward off the effects of covid-19 but couldn’t find $300 million to keep the Australian car-building industry afloat for a few more years.
December 22 – January 19
As a cafe worker who used to have a couple of shit-paying split shifts to survive before covid-19 hit, you continue to recover slowly in hospital from injuries received after a Qantas 777 pilot, accompanied by a funny-sounding little Irishman, brutally pushed you to the floor as you were about to accept a shelf-stacking job at Woolies.
January 20 – February 18
Never having thought of the possibility of the seeds and seedlings shortage that panic buying has created because of covid-19, you’ve been racking your brain trying to think off what the next panic-buying product will be so you can buy it all up and make an absolute killing on eBay and Gumtree.
February 19 – March 20
Acting on a vivid dream you’ve had overnight including the epiphany that scared people everywhere will be anxious to write/rewrite their wills, you hire large vans and thousands of casual workers to strip supermarkets, newsagents and general stores around the nation of all their supplies of paper, especially foolscap but A4 as well, and wait patiently for covid-19 to play its part in your rags-to-riches story.