Cross-Tasman relations plummet


New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has turned up for her meeting in Sydney with Scott Morrison encased in a full biohazard suit, placing the ANZAC spirit at serious risk for the first time since the underarm bowling incident of 1981.

The Australian leader was clearly furious at Sydney Airport when Ms Ardern (pictured) was helped down the stairs from her Air New Zealand plane by technicians who then sprayed her all over with some sort of chemical foam from backpack tanks before she was allowed to shake a protected hand with our PM.

A Morrison minder admitted: “I haven’t seen the PM look so dark and murderous and with fists that clenched since he had to share a room with Gladys Berejiklian and Shane Fitzsimmons.

“He clearly thought Ms Ardern was taking the mickey out of him.”

After the two leaders were whisked away in separate ComCars kept purposely at a safe distance from each other, a Morrison government spokesperson was scathing about the incident.

“The New Zealand leader has over-reacted in an entirely irresponsible way to Mr Morrison’s sensible declaration of a world coronavirus pandemic,” he scolded.

But one of Ms Ardern’s minders who had also stayed behind stepped forward to “put matters straight”.

“Jacinda faces a crucial national election in September and she simply must take every conceivable measure to avoid contracting Mr Morrison’s Pentecostal prosperity ideology and end-of-days rapture theology,” he explained.

“She believes that because the world has a long-term future, she has an important ongoing role in helping prevent catastrophic climate change.

“Besides, she desperately wants to remain as nice and as decent and as honest and as empathetic a human being as possible. People worldwide seem to have warmed to her for that.”