Barnaby shock: I’ll challenge again soon

FEDERAL POLITICS:

Former Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce has revealed he plans to challenge Michael McCormack again soon, possibly within days.

“I want my old job back; it’s as simple as that,” the Nationals member for New England has told The Bug in an exclusive sitdown interview beside his newly declared backer, former Coal and Other Resources Minister Matt Canavan.

Here is the full and unedited tape of that interview with both men (pictured at top).

tape recorder

The Bug: Isn’t it time for you two to pull your heads in and let the National Party continue doing what it does best: looking after the interests of Australia’s rural and regional citizens? The farmers, graziers and smallcroppers of this nation? The country town dwellers? The battlers out in the Bush?

Joyce and Canavan: Well, uum….

The Bug: Bloody hell, guys. That was a joke, You two need to lighten up. The pressure’s getting to you.

Joyce: Sorry. Good one.

Canavan: Yes, well done. You got us there.

The Bug: But seriously, why do you want your jobs back? Barnaby, you first.

Joyce: I believe I can ensure that the Nationals have a stronger, more independent voice so that it can effectively see off the challenge from fringe parties such as the Shooters and Fishers, One Nation and another independents.

Canavan: By being more beholden to the coal lobby and even more strident in our opposition to alleged climate change!

The Bug: Hey, we’re asking the questions here!

Canavan: Sorry.

Joyce: But yes, all of that is true.

The Bug: Noble ambitions, we guess, if you sincerely believe you’re the man to achieve that?

Joyce: They are and I am. But I also need the extra dosh now that I’ve got two extra mouths to feed.

The Bug: How are the boys going?

Joyce: Oh, they’re fine. No, I talking about that bloody barmaid up at Uralla just south of Armidale. She’s told me she’s expecting twins.

Canavan: Bloody hell, Barnaby. You do love campaigning. You been out hoare-knocking again?

The Bug:: Hoare knocking. That’s very funny.

Canavan: Thank you. When you looked like me as a kid, a natural defence was to act the goat, be a bit of the class clown.

The Bug: How much did you look like Alfred E. Neumann from Mad magazine?

Canavan: Spitting image, really.

Joyce: Can we please get back on topic here. I need this job. That bloody Chantelle up at Uralla came onto to me at full speed. Bloody hell, she was like the XPT once it climbs up onto the tableland and heads for Armidale. She was at full throttle, I was on my fourth bottle and Barnaby Junior and I didn’t stand a chance.
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The Bug: Right. And Senator Canavan? No doubt you also need to return to your ministerial role as soon as possible for the noblest of reasons?

Canavan: That’s right. Those investment properties I’ve bought while on a ministerial salary don’t pay themselves off, you know. I’ve put down the barest of deposits with help from Clive Palmer…

The Bug: Clive’s given you a hand up?

Canavan: More like a handout, hopefully. But, yes, I’d like to pay off my fair share of the remaining amount due on these properties to avoid any suggestion of being beholden to vested interests. That’s why I was shattered by Tuesday’s vote where Tweedledumbfuck beat off Tweedlepisspothere for the top job.

Joyce: Hey!

The Bug: You are indeed a funny man. We never knew.

Canavan: As I explained before, look at the face. Look at the face.

Joyce: Can we wrap this up here? We’ve got phone calls to make.

The Bug: That’s right. Is it true that the vote on Tuesday was 11 to 10?

Joyce: That’s right. Which means we only have to swing another four votes across to our side and we’re there.

Canavan: Three, Barnaby. Three.