PM sits on second report

anews in brief dinkus

Another report stays secret

CANBERRA: Following his refusal to make public a departmental report into the “sports rorts” affair, Prime Minister Scott Morrison is blocking the release of another internal report into what appears to be a second questionable allocation of taxpayer funds.

A spokesperson for Mr Morrison said the Department of Prime Minister and Cabinet had finalised its report after being requested to investigate complaints lodged last year from an elderly Brisbane woman who had been mystified by the arrival in her letterbox of dozens of federal government cheques totalling more than $1 million in the months leading up to the May 2019 federal election.

When approached by The Bug at her home Mrs Marge Inall-Seet said she did not really care if the report was released now that the cheques had stopped arriving, although she would like to know why they were sent in the first place.

Barnaby’s penis ready to stand

CANBERRA: Barnaby Joyce is seeking to improve his chances of returning to the National Party leadership by requesting a change to the rules about who can vote in the party room.

Mr Joyce is pushing for the rule change as a direct result of his failed attempt this week to topple party leader and Deputy Prime Minister Michael McCormack.

joyce dick“Barnaby might have missed out on the top job on Tuesday, but he’s done the numbers and knows he has a far better shot next time if he can have a simple rule change adopted by the party room,” a senior National Party figure told The Bug.

“His plan relies on having a rule making all penises in the room eligible to stand in a leadership ballot.

“He figures his own todger (pictured) has a chance of garnering enough votes on a future first ballot which would flow to him and likely put him across the line once it dropped out of any second ballot.

“It also means the sheilas in the party get outvoted fair and square,” the senior National said.

More virus victims

MELBOURNE: Two university students have been taken to the city’s Alfred Hospital as a result of the Coronavirus.

The University of Melbourne students, both third-generation Chinese-Australians who have never travelled overseas, told paramedics who transported them to hospital that they had decided to play a practical joke by boarding a crowded peak-hour tram and coughing loudly.

A hospital spokesperson said both students were in a critical condition with injuries including multiple bone fractures.

McCormack hospitalisedmccormack as wombat - net

CANBERRA: Deputy Prime Minister Michael McCormack (pictured) is recovering in a Canberra hospital from a broken nose and other facial cuts and abrasions after walking into a door at Parliament House while watching his back.