Welcome aboard: Scottie the Soothsayer

GUEST STARS DINKUS

Like the rest of Australia, The Bug was in awe of Prime Minister Scott Morrison when, at his National Press Club address mid week, he uncannily predicted everything pubic service head honcho Philip Gaetjens would find in his inquiry into the sports rorts affair.

Waiting patiently in the dark with the rest of Australia for that report from his former chief of staff and public service bestie to lob, the PM told the NPC that former sports minister Bridget McKenzie had done nothing wrong apart, maybe, from failing to mention she was a member of a club that got some cash.

But, still, while everything was tickety-boo about Bridget’s handling of grants, he had some plans to make sure that what clearly didn’t go wrong under Bridget’s watch in dishing out the dosh never didn’t go wrong ever again.

And then, hallelujah!!! His mate Phil comes out with exactly the same findings … and suggestions half a week later!

Is there no limit to the PM’s talents? First he was a marketing maestro. Then the absolute champion of campaigners, pulling off the miracle “unwinnable” election with his class and charisma. Now, it’s Scotty the Soothsayer Extraordinaire!

We at The Bug simply looked at each other and said: “We’ve got to give the PM a guest spot!”


AQUARIUS

January 20 – February 18

If you have a go, you’ll get a go.

PISCES
February 19 – March 20

You’ve got to step up if you don’t want to be stepped on.

ARIES 
March 21 – April 19

Or was that if you’re going to step up, you’ve got to show up. I always get them a little muddled up.

TAURUS
April 20 – May 20

You accept that your hardworking federal government has always believed that climate change is a factor attributing to the current bad fire season even though we’ve seen just as bad before and you think we’ve just got to get used to a hotter Australia.

GEMINI
May 21 – June 20

The best form of welfare is a job.

CANCER
June 21 – July 22

You realise that with the resignation of Bridget McKenzie, the so-called sports rorts scandal has been well and truly put to bed.

LEO
July 23 – August 22

You can’t be blamed for a fitful night’s sleep over the possibility that Nationals leader dullard Michael McCormack could be replaced by drunkard Barnaby Joyce. Talk about replacing a low IQ with a high blood alcohol content!

VIRGO
August 23 – September 22

You feel sorry for politicians forced to make a choice between honouring a solemn promise to their two darling daughters over a well-deserved holiday after a tiring if triumphant political year and returning home as some silly form of token gesture seeing they can’t hold a fire hose or be in charge of a fire control centre.

LIBRA
September 23 – October 22

You get a weird feeling that general anxiety would be reduced if you stepped up to the plate and by gosh that’s what you should do then as a natural leader in your community. If just being there fills them with hope, then so be it!

SCORPIO
October 23 – November 21

You wonder if others around you are also starting to realise that Opposition Leader Anthony Albanese lies. That’s all he ever does. He lies and he lies and he lies.

SAGITTARIUS
November 22 – December 21

You wonder if it might be prudent for the federal government to initiate a $80 million royal commission into endemic corruption within the Australian Labor Party in general and Anthony Albanese in particular.

CAPRICORN
December 22 – January 19

You wonder if Clive Palmer has another $60 million anti-Labor ad spend available for the next federal election to help a good government with sound economic management skills fall over the line once more.

ALL STAR SIGNS:

None of the above predictions amount to diddly squat when you consider the rapture is a’comin’ on us fast and if you haven’t been born again yet, you’re basically fucked.