George Christensen, federal Member for Dawson in central Queensland, take a bow. Your almost 300 visits to the Philippines over four years have been fondly remembered by the many nightclub ladies you encountered on your travels.
The Bug talked by phone overnight to a number of girls who still work at the Ponytails Club in one of the country’s famous redlight districts, one of your favourite haunts.
Analyn, Amihan, Aurora, Dalisay, Mahalia, Rosamine and Jasmine all remember you fondly. All of them at once, apparently, on a special birthday night treat to yourself in 2017.
Luckily, most of the girls’ oral skills include English, although The Bug had an interpreter handy.
Here is their explosive, world-exclusive interview. We dip our lids to you, you big, big hunk of Aussie pollie spunk, you!
The Bug: Evening, ladies.
Mixed voices: Hello Mr Bugman. When you coming to see us, hey?
The Bug: One day, girls. One day. The people of Australia are interested in knowing how you found George Christensen over the years?
Rosamine: He found us pretty quick! (Girls giggle).
Mahalia: We have very fond memories of Big George! (Other girls giggle).
Aurora: Big Georgie boy indeed! (More giggling).
The Bug: That would be him. You girls wouldn’t know this but here in Australia we have a habit of using the exact opposite word to describe people. For example, we call a red-haired man bluey, a very tall man shorty.
Interpreter: We do much the same over here.
The Bug: But you ladies have deliberately called him Big George?
Rosamine: Oh, it’s got nothing to do with his overall size or weight. (more giggles).
The Bug: Oh….
Amihan: That’s right. Poor Georgie boy. Very small pee pee. (raucous giggles, one fart).
Analyn: Which was hunky dory by us because we very small women. (giggles).
Mahalia: We all loved Big George!
The Bug Was George… how can we put this … was he a good lover?
Dalisay: Big George love us long time!
The Bug By that you mean…
Girls: Uh, huh.
Jasmine: I remember one night when just the sight of the knickers coming down was too much for Big George.
The Bug Yours?
Jasmine: No, his.
Amihan: One night just the sight of me tucking his payment into my bra was too much for Big George and it was all over…
Other girls, (giggling): The place! (more raunchy giggles).
Mahalia: One of our nicknames for him was Heathen George.
The Bug: Because he was so religious?
Unidentified voice: That’s right. He always called out: “Jesus Christ, I’m coming.”
The Bug: Right, okay. How can we put this? Being from Australia, did Big George enjoy, ahh, umm, heading Down Under from time to time?
Dalisay: Goodness gracious me. No, Never. We charged more for that and Big Spender George was never up for that.
The Bug: Okay. With you there, girls.
Aurora: Well, that’s not quite true. I found Big George quite attentive in that area. He was a politician after all and he loved going off at the mouth. The things he could do with that tongue of his. But then again, I’m the only lady boy working here.
The Bug: Oh.
Aurora: One night I got a friend of mine in to the club and we enjoyed a sandwich.
The Bug: Three-way sex?
Aurora: No, a big platter of ham and cheese toasties. George’s appetite was legendary. Boy, could he eat!
The Bug: Any other general recollections?
Dalisay: He was a lousy dancer.
Mahalia: And he sweat a lot!
Jasmine: And he loved eating pizza!
Dalisay: By the box; not out of the box, unfortunately! (general giggling and raucous laughter).
Famed psephologist Antony Green told The Bug that our explosive interview with the staff of the Ponytail Club would only cement Mr Christensen’s hold on his central Queensland electorate.
“Big George …. sorry Mr Christensen… got a 11.2 per cent swing to him at the May election and that was after months of adverse publicity as the ‘Member for Manilla’,” Green said.
“Australian voters love a sex-mad larrikin. Just look at Bob Hawke. The voters of Dawson guessed George as a devoted Christian and family man was frequenting the girlie bars on all those trips to south-east Asia and now that your interview has confirmed that, I think his hold on the seat is set in cement for years and years to come.”